Expert: Joyce A. Anthony - 10/25/2010

Question
I am Dx. with bipolar, adhd, borderline personality disorder and
struggling with depression. I have a 14 y.o.. daughter Dx with adhd and
bipolar. My question- is there a way we can conmunicate  without
exploding on eath other. We have never made it a full fday without
hurting the others feelings or getting the other to rage?  

Answer
Hello Steven:

Unfortunately, when two people with bipolar disorder share a house, there is a tendency to feed off each others moods.  This ends up, in most cases, leading to chaos. Also, at 14, your daughter is emotionally volatile anyway.

Seeing that you are the adult and she the child, most of the "solution" will be on you.  On the days you feel especially irritable, try to avoid any subjects you know for sure will lead to an argument.  If a subject can't be avoided, refuse to argue.  State your case and walk away.  You, as the adult, are in charge and she needs to know, especially when she's emotional, that someone else IS in charge.  

I know how difficult this can be, with your issues also, but maybe the two of you can sit down with an unemotional third party (friend, relative, couselor) and talk about what kind of measures can be put into place to lessen the arguing.  Make it clear what subjects willl not be up for discussion--your rules stand.

If she feels something isn't fair, let her know you will discuss it only if she remains calm and respectful.  Keep your voice low and steady.  Raising it escalates the mood for both of you.

Another method that often works well when both a parent and child have emotional issues, is to get a notebook.  She can write her thoughts to you--requests, feelings, whatever she wants to discuss.  You, in turn can answer in the notebook.  At all times make it clear respect has to be maintained--from both of you.

                                  Joyce A. Anthony