Expert: Jennifer - 10/24/2010

Question
I have many questions as bipolar disorder is new to me. I have a long time friend that has always come and gone from my life. I have always loved him because he is special. Though we are attracted to each other, we both know that would not work. We both married others and have not talked for a while until recently. He dropped so many hints, but never came out and said he had bipolar disorder, that this trip, I pieced it together. He was slamming drinks the whole time, had no perception of time, very easily distracted, said he could take his meds because he was drinking... I worry that because it had been a while since we had seen each other, his anxiety caused him to self medicate with alcohol. He was definitely in a manic state the four days we visited. The suddenly, he left. When he was at home, he was very parental about being safe, but did not communicate with me much. I have the feeling he has not got enough respect for our friendship to talk to me when he has had his meds. I think he thinks he has to always drink around me. He also never asked personal questions about me like what I was doing, how life was, etc. Can I ever convince him to be my friend again without alcohol involved which sends him into a manic state? Can he relate to my honestly telling him how I feel (confused)? Does he remember what he does and says when he is manic? He has always been sullen and has a perpetually sad, long face that requires a lot of effort to smile, is that a characteristic of depression that he was born with, is their a relationship between looks and bipolar disorder? I have so many questions, though the thought of him being bipolar helps explain a lot. I just want to be his friend like before, but think he associates me with bad manic states and will never talk to me again. I don't know how to reason with him and convince him that I am there if he needs anything.

Answer
When it comes to trying to reason with anyone who believes that they are already being reasonable, it's impossible to make happen and ultimately it takes them realizing that they'd been the complete opposite of reasonable - even then it's never guaranteed that they'll say a word about it all. And this is commonly seen with "normal" people - it's not required that someone must be bipolar in order to be hard-headed and stubborn, and most of those individuals whom I know (including myself) have been diagnosed as bipolar are quite capable of being rational and can discuss issues like the adults they are.

Your friend should not be drinking alcohol in excess when taking medication(s) prescribed for the treatment of a psychiatric disorder, and that's something that goes for anyone taking medications for a mental illness - be it depression, bipolar, or schizophrenia. The fact that he is self-medicating means that there's obviously something that he's struggling with, but I can't say whether it's connected to his bipolar or something else. You've said that you love him because he's special, that you're attracted to each other but you both know a relationship wouldn't work, and that you're both married to other people. And is there anything he might have said that would make you think he associates you with 'bad manic states' and might quit talking to you altogether? To be honest, I'm wondering if he's had feelings for you this whole time and because he knows that you only want to be friends he's tried to keep some distance and stayed away for a while because of those feelings. It would also explain why he'd feel the need to drink and then disappear suddenly.

I can't say that it's not possible that your friend doesn't remember what he's said and done after he's no longer in a manic state, and that probability might be increased if there are other factors involved which might affect him in such a way. When a bipolar is in the middle of a depressive phase it can be difficult if not impossible to smile, get out of bed, feed ourselves, and basically whatever else that might be part of the regular routine tends to be forgotten temporarily until a hypomanic or manic period starts up.

If his drinking alcohol when you guys are hanging out together makes you that concerned and he doesn't want to get into a discussion about the friendship in an honest and considerate manner which requires him to be sober - you may need to enforce some distance between you both, and it might mean that you'll have to let this friendship go.