Expert: Ivan Goldberg, M.D. - 11/10/2010

Question
My significant other of 8 years, diagnosed with BPII and a recovering alcoholic, is currently going through a manic phase that began several weeks ago. He is under the care of a psychiatrist and we do not live together.  Presently I can do nothing right and in the very recent past he gave me the silent treatment for two weeks.  He is writing a book and is completely engrossed in that.  We have concert tickets but he will only meet me at the concert hall.  At one concert he was mad at me and wouldn't even sit next to me.
Two nights ago on the phone he went into a tirade complaining about some other arrangements we'd made to go out.  I was stunned as he is the one who asked me to do it.  I reminded him of that and he initially said I was wrong but then agreed 'to take it back.'  I'd apologized last week for an overreaction to something he said.  I said to him “You need to apologize for being so nasty” which may have been a mistake.  He naturally refuses, saying taking it back was enough.  We usually talk on the phone every evening but after asking for an apology he emailed me a nasty note and said he would not call me.  He asked me to send me his concert tickets.  I replied I would not as I will no longer take orders from him.  I see more silent treatment in my future.
Several Christmases ago at his place he went berserk as I was handing him a Christmas present.  He started screaming at me-- what a horrible person I am, throwing and breaking things, and threw me out of his condo.  I guess it was some kind of psychotic break.  I had left a message about this for his psychiatrist and she advised me not to contact him.  I went into counseling myself at the time.  A few months later we got back together and he said he didn't understand himself why he did what he did.  I also know he demolished his condo when his wife left him and he had to attend domestic abuse counseling because of an incident in their marriage.
He has been hospitalized for prescription drug abuse three times in the last eight years though it has been over two years since the last hospitalization.
I know he will go into a deep depression after this manic phase ends.
The relationship seems to have a pattern.  For eight or nine months things go very well and then something happens, like now, and I don’t know who he is.  He becomes incredibly self-centered and selfish. But then he eventually returns to being that other person even though it takes a while.  Once he even said to me, “Thank you for putting up with me.”  I am, by far, his closest friend.
He is a retired clergyman, a Rev. Dr.  I guess I expected more kindness from him because of his training.  I have an MS myself but probably took more ‘stuff‘ from him than I should have because of his position and my own low self-esteem.  I am in no way saying I am all right and he is all wrong but the level of viciousness he can sink to at times and claim he is justified to do so is scary.
I would be so grateful for any comments because it really, really hurts.
Thank you.


Answer
Hi mary Ann . . .

People who are involved with people who have a serious mental illness have to realize that they are essentially powerless to change their SO. You can only change yourself, and i think the way to do that is to get restart psychotherapy to better understand your reactions to your SO and to have the freedom to change tour behavior.

This is probably not the response you were hoping for, but I think working on yourself is the only approach to the situation that makes and sense.

Best regards . . .

Ivan
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