Expert: Ivan Goldberg, M.D. - 12/7/2010

Question
My husband and I have only been married for 10 months. We both have previously been married once and come from ugly relationships. My ex-husband cheated on me and his ex-wife walked out on him. As a child, my husband grew up in a severely emotional and physically abusive and broken home. He was only diagnosed with bi-polar aprx 4 years ago after he was discharged from the Army against his will. The discharge was due to the "outbreak" of his bi-polar disorder. He was then involuntarily committed to a mental institution where he received treatment and was put on regular medication. He is 37 years old and is in his senior year of college. This is his 2nd time around in college. He takes his medication daily-I see him take it. Over the summer he did not take any classes and our relationship was wonderful! He had a full-time job and his stress level was very low. Once he started back with school his stress level drastically increased. With the increased stress levels, his desire for sexual intimacy is practically non-existent, he will go 2+ weeks without showering, he gets in these moods that he flat out tells me, "I don't want to interact with you today." Additionally, he becomes very moody, mocking and disrespectful to me. He is cold as ice to me and wants nothing to do with me. He gets VERY angry and obsesses over people who interrupt his way of doing things or his goals. I am having a very difficult time dealing with this. I cry myself to sleep and I'm beginning to resent him for his behavior towards me. I have expressed to him MANY times the needs I have for sexual intimacy at least 3 times a week and that I need to spend time with him. I even asked him this morning if he wanted to be married to me. He said yes, I then asked him to please act like it. I have confronted him about his behavior towards me several times and as the semester goes on it is pretty much on a weekly basis that we go through this terrible mood. I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do or how to handle this. He apparently cannot handle multiple stresses, i.e. college and being a husband. I love him and don't really want a divorce. I don't deserve to be treated the way that he does sometimes. I am very loving and good to him. How do I deal with this?

Answer
Hi Crystal . . .

I understand how frustrating your situation must be, but unfortunately it cannot be made better by your simply making demands on your husband.

When I see patients with these sort of difficulties, I regularly suggest to them that they approach the problem through marital psychotherapy (couples therapy). Such therapy often resolves the problem. It has been my experience that such therapy is most likely to be successful when the therapist is a psychiatrist or psychologist.

Best regards . . .

Ivan
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