Expert: Ivan Goldberg, M.D. - 3/1/2010

Question
I have been dealing with small bouts of anger/depression w/ little issue before the big move from CA to WA one year ago (where I have no family or friends, let alone my son decided to live w/ his father) to live with my boyfriend and his 9 year old daughter. Things have been going alright.. but for the past few months there have been a rise of arguments and moods changes. Unsure what's going one with me.

Let's start out with the fact that I am extremely insecure. I go into phases where I think he is talking to another girl.. especially his ex wife, who is the mother of his 10 year child (he has full custody and hears/sees very little of his ex)). I feel like they have better communication than him and I...  I find myself comparing myself to his ex wife (who he was living w/ in the same house I'm living in now for 10 years).. and saying things like she always got what she want (I heard from a relative that his ex told said that once)from him.. and me saying that why does she get the marriage and child, and it makes me feel unworthy of him...

I also feel envious that in social situations (in general), he can get people's attention and hold a conversation, where I have so much issue holding one and making friends.. my mind would go blank and/or I feel as if I'm boring them or they think I'm weird or something... so, I don't bother. .. That's part of my lack of self confidence. I think he doesn't understand what it's like to be me...

Two main reasons why arguments start.

Another thing that's been happening is extreme guilt for putting him through all this.. for being mean to him.. when he's very good to me... and still puts up with it... 'cause he says we'll get through this and he knows the nice/good side of me... Guilt that swarms my head with horrible thoughts of why the hell was I even born in this world when I cause pain to those I love. Me, wanting to lay in bed all day and sleep.. hoping it'll go away... Not wanting to do the things I used to love.. I don't feel the motivation for any of it... Fear that he has stopped loving me... and that I am no longer attractive to him. And that we're never going to have babies and get married 'cause I mess up so much. This is part of our arguments.

What gets me is.. I start thinking way too much.. about little things said.. I make it bigger and think that person is trying to hurt me... Our arguments and my anger has gotten so bad that I started throwing and breaking things... and I actually pushed him.. which is the last straw.. I don't ever wanna hurt him or anyone.... I hate thinking.. I hate knowing so much of his past... something he can't help and would like to get past.. I hate feeling depressed.. I hate feeling angry and jealous and insecure... and overall I hate feeling negative...

We have had a discussion about our situation.. I don't wanna lose him and he doesn't wanna lose me... My question is... is this BiPolar disorder or some kind of mental disorder?? If so, I have no medical insurance, let alone no funds ... how do I go about getting a diagnosis?? And hopefully finding a way to better myself...?? I am also afraid of taking med.. if diagnosed.. I don't wanna feel lethargic or sloth-like... I would love to have babies later.. and the med thing scares me.. I would love to have my life back.. and be happy again...

Answer
Hi Elaine . . .

There is no way I can make a diagnosis over the internet but it sure sounds as you are depressed. It is also impossible for me to say if you do or do not have some form of bipolar disorder.

A depression scale I devised may be found at: http://psychcentral.com/depquiz.htm and you might complete it and if the score is over 30 print it out and take it to a psychiatrist or therapist for an evaluation. I am not sure how to overcome you lack  of insurance, but your depression is something that must be dealt with before it destroys your relationship with your boyfriend. It is possibler to treat many depression without medication and since you are so fearful of medication it might make sense for you to initially just do psychotherapy and only consider medication if psychotherapy is unable to resolve your depression.

Best regards . . .

Ivan
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