Expert: Joyce A. Anthony - 3/23/2010

Question
Hi Joyce.  I have a 10 year old son and his father is bipolar.  We have been divorced for 7 years and he was diagnosed with the disease right after we got separated even though he always had it we just didn’t know what it was.  This has been very painful for our family, especially for my son.  I don’t need to explain all the ups and downs we’ve had along the way because I am sure you are very familiar with the rollercoaster ride.  My ex husband lives 4 hours away from us which has made it a little easier for us since he can’t just show up every time he get an episode. When he takes his medication he is completely fine but for the past 2 years he has been on and off the meds and every time he’s off the medications his behavior becomes erratic and it’s starting to affect our son.  He talks bad about my mother, my current husband and me to my son.  I am re-married to a wonderful man.  My son loves him very much and started calling him dad all by himself since he was 4.  My son feels very attached to him; they do everything a father and son do together and has even said to me that he wishes he was his “real” dad instead of his “step-dad”.  As you can understand my ex husband is having a really hard time with the fact that my son calls another man dad.  Even my son himself has told my ex that he feels that he has 2 dads and loves them both very much but he still won’t accept it. I believe he’s off the meds for good because for the past 2 weeks his behavior has been completely erratic.  He has become obsessed with our son and calls him 3 and 4 times a day, every day on his cell phone and if my son does not pick up his phone he calls me and texts me and begins the threats and the insults and does not stop! I don’t even pick up the phone but he fights with my voice mail for hours.  A few months ago I agreed to let my ex to take our son next week for spring break and now I am scared that I am not doing the right thing and that I am putting my son in danger (not physically but mentally).  My son loves his dad very much but it’s starting to get affected by his behavior and telling me that he does not want to speak to him every day and that he’s nervous about being with him for a whole week because he tells him things and stresses him out too much.  My son said to me… “mom, why is he always telling me what I’m doing wrong and never seeing what I do right, I’m a good boy but he’s always trying to change me” What do I do? I have never intervened in their relationship but I feel like I have to for the sake of my son.  Will I be a terrible mother if I don’t let him take my son until he’s back on his meds and how do I know he’s back on his meds for good? My son is a very well adjusted little boy but every time his father starts telling him things my son it’s starting to get angry and aggressive so I don’t know what to do? Please help!!!!

Answer
Betty:

You did not mention whether or not you have legal custody of your son.  If there is a custody agreement handed down by a court, such as during the divorce proceedings, that will present a different procedure you will need to follow.

For now, your son is ten and has the ability to know whether or not he wants to spend the week with his dad.  If he does not want to go, don't force him.  As the person who has physical custody, it is your responsibility to keep him both physically and emotionally safe.  From what you have told me, he would not be emotionally safe at this time should he visit his dad.

Seeing that your ex has a history of not taking his medication, it might be better to go to court and request he get only supervised visits until he is taking medication regularly.  By involving the courts, you make his compliance more likely.  I am sure he loves his son very much and having medication a condition of visitation will help both of them.  In the meantime, keep a record of every phone call--including saving voice and text messages.  This way you have proof of instability.

Having his father in the picture is important to most kids, but your son's safety must come first.  No, that does not make you a bad mother.  You are not keeping him away from his dad permanently, only until your ex is in a position to care for him efficiently.

                             Joyce A. Anthony