Expert: Jennifer - 5/24/2010

Question
I have recently started having problems with a neightbor John who also happens to be Bipolar. He just in the last few months stopped working and has nothing to occupy his time. Recently there have been several incidents between him and my husband. The police have been involved, but now it seems he  has taken a disliking to my dog. We live out in the country and he has been speeding up and down our road knowing my dog likes to chase cars and has been tempting my dog to come onto his property. I am realy afraid that he will hurt her or provoke her enough to try and cause the dog to bite him which would ultimately result in her being put down. John has been our nieghbor for 6 years and just recently he decided we are not compatable to him anymore, but his wife suffers from his illness hence the isolation. Myself and my husband are good friends with John's wife, yet he continue's with his behavior and we don't feel safe anymore in our own home. Any comments besides moving out. He appears to be fixated on making my husband miserable. It's almost like he sits up in his house thinking of ways to drive us out and keep us miserable and on our toes. Does it sound like he is taking his meds? Any suggestions, our daughter is also Bipolar so we know about the disease. We have never seen this side of it before.

Answer
Certain problems that a majority of people are experiencing such as losing a job and the subsequent financial issues can cause someone without bipolar to struggle with their emotions and potentially take their feelings out on others around them - your neighbor could be off his meds, but what if he's simply struggling with his life situation that has left him out of a job and most likely without medical insurance to cover the cost of medications.

There is also more than just one form of bipolar disorder, or, manic depression.  The DSM-IVTR uses the subtypes below:

Bipolar I - Mania and Major Depression
Bipolar II - Hypomania and Major Depression
Bipolar III - Cyclothymia.

A good place to start for information about the different types of bipolar disorder is http://www.nimh.gov

As for what to do about the neighbor, since you can't force him to take his meds (in most states that is) and he may not be able to afford them, the only thing you can do besides move out is make the attempt to talk to his wife and him to try to work everyone's problems with each other through so that you can all get back to being neighbors that get along.  A few things that should be considered beforehand to make the actual discussion/conversation more likely to yield positive results:

1.Your neighbor and his wife are adults who have bipolar.  The fact that your daughter is bipolar and your experiences in dealing with her illness could be causing you and your husband to treat your neighbors like you do your child.  Try to honestly look at how both of you have been talking to/behaving towards your neighbor over the time since this problem first got started and make a conscientious effort to separate the adults from your child by acknowledging them as your peers.

2. Look at the situation the same way you would if your neighbors did not have bipolar disorder.  Is there a reason they're upset that any 'normal' person would likely have an extremely hard time dealing with?

3. What has been said or done on you and your husband's side of this that has helped cause these problems with your neighbors? All conflicts will have two or more people involved, and each person contributes to the problem somehow; determining where you and your husband said things and did things that created the conflict on everyone's hands today is important to do; it's what you guys will need to take responsibility for doing when having this discussion.  If there are things that have happened or words were said that would be apologized for on your side towards another person besides your neighbor, apologize in a manner that doesn't sound like you're taking it back and aren't truly sorry.  Saying "I'm sorry for x, BUT..." and other common things people say when they're apologizing are a slap in the face of the person they're apologizing to.

4. Secure your dog and don't allow her to do any 'free range' wandering.  Until the matter with the neighbor has been handled and concluded in a positive manner you need to take additional steps to keep your pet safe from even things that you don't think your neighbor would do.  The only person who knows to what extent an individual will take something to is that person; in other words, never assume someone would or wouldn't do something. You said you live in the country, but that shouldn't prevent you from having a fence style of an appropriate height and
a sturdy material to keep your dog within an area for its protection and yours. Bring the animal inside at night even if you have to restrict the area of your home to the kitchen or another area like a basement - you'll have the peace of mind that your dog is safe so you can sleep, and the dog is less inclined to exhibit behaviors such as excessive barking that could be a problem for neighbors who are less animal-friendly to get worked up over.


Invite your neighbors over for lunch or dinner, now that it's getting warmer it's perfect for having a barbecue outside - having a meal with someone you've been having problems with is a good way of showing that you're willing to do your part to repair the relationship. If the person isn't willing to try and work things out despite your best efforts, at least you know you tried and can continue to do what is needed to ensure that your family and your dog are safe in their home.