Expert: Joyce A. Anthony - 6/25/2010

Question
QUESTION: Dear Joyce,
    I have a husband who is in jail at this time for stealing and resisted arrest it's been two weeks now since the police arrested him for stealing-broken in to some people's houses.He has done this to me before when we were just going out as boyfriend and girlfriend.He took my atm card from my wallet without me knowing it and i didn't know that he memorized my password or going me before when i put the money in to my card.I have forgive him for doing that and continually going out with him hoping that i can change him.Unexpectedly i fall pregnant then we got married.One week after our wedding he took the work key from my bag and went to the place where i work and stole some of the money in the register.I lost my job after that.Again i forgive him and didn't care about what other people,friends,family or even my boss will think about me because i was afraid not to have him next to me when i give birth to our child and i was afraid to raise my child without the father.Ive been through a lot with him...There were times when he came home early in the morning or late at night and he was very drunk and all his wages went to alcohol and poker machines then i will get the blame because we got no money left to pay the rent and buy some of the things that we need for the house.He wanted me to find a job but that time I was heavily pregnant.I don't even know why am i still here hoping and waiting for him to change for our daughter so she could have a whole happy family.I thought he will change when I gave birth to our daughter but he didn't.There was a few times that he became physically with me.It's hard to forget weeks after I gave birth to our daughter he slammed my head on the door because of some disagreement issue.But still its ok for me and hope that he will change when our daughter starts talking,walking etc but until now he seems to be getting worse and worse.He gets angry so easily with just a simple thing if he didn't like it.These are the few things that he says to me when he is angry or when we are arguing, with no reason because for me it is just a small thing and theres no need to yell at me but for him its a big deal and he thinks that i am doing it intentionally to make him angry.He said to me that if I am a bloke he would've smashed my head of, I would love to slit your throat, I'd love to kill you and bury you to the bush where anyone can't find you etc. those are the few things that he can say to me even in front of our two year old daughter when he is angry.For me, a normal person cannot say that to his wife specially to the mother of their child.I don't know if I still love him anymore after everything that he has done and said to me specially now that i found out what he had been doing (breaking in to people's houses to steal money and jewelry and some light weight expensive things).He said that he had been working but he's out of work a month ago because he stole something from one of his workmate.I want to know what is wrong with him.Has he got a mental problem?Then what could be the problem?What sort of help can I get for him?

     I do believe that I need some help too because what he has done to me or what he is doing to me is mentally abusing me.I have cried in the dark corner a few times, cried myself to sleep many many times because he is wasting money gambling and drinking and also i have experienced hiding inside the cabinet crying and shaking because i was scared that he might hurt me or kill me because he was angry of something like I said it just a small thing for normal person but for him it is so much of a big deal and can easily get him angry about it and still I just don't know how to leave him because I really want him to change.I want to be here to support him to get a counseling and maybe he will change because even if we get separated we are still connected because of our daughter and I want to feel comfortable when I leave my daughter with him.Please help.I don't know where to get an advice and help financially now that he is in jail.I have no job.I don't know how and my daughter will survive with just a small income from the government every fortnight.

       He had a hard life when he was young.He is now 29.He didn't finish his high school because he left home i believe he was 15 at that time.He lived on the street.He said to me that one day when he came home his step father said to him "if you cant get your head fix you have no place in this house.Thats why he left home and tried to contact few members of the family to get help,some of his friends too but nobody could help him.He tried applying for a job but with his age 15 and hasn't finished High School he couldn't get a job too so he got no choice but to do crime like robbery and selling drugs to survive.He is jealous with his older brother for some reasons.His parents have divorced when he was 3 or 5 i just cant remember.Then his mum met a man and moved in with him after months of her divorced.His dad did the same thing moved in and got married with another woman.For me, my husband got affected and didn't get the attention that he needed when he was young that why he turned into something he didn't really wanted to be.Please tell me what could help him because I do feel sorry for him.I love his personality when he is being sweet to me and our daughter but most of time he seems to be out of his mind like something is bothering him.He is most of the time an adult with the 3 years old brain.I don't really want to turn my back on him because he said to me at one point that when I was living on the street all my family turned their back on me,none of them wants to help me.And my parents never supported me into something I want to do like get a course and study.

ANSWER: Mahanne:

This man shows all the classic symptoms of an abusive personality.  You must realize something--you won't be able to change him.  The only way this man will change is if he wants to and it does not appear that is the case.  

You do need to seek counseling, for your sake and for your daughter's.  Consider for a moment WHY everyone turned their back on him.  Most people will not put up with being treated in the manner you have described.  What you are describing, from your side, is co-dependency.  You need to be able to break that cycle in order to see your worth and know this is not the kind of situation you deserve.

Your daughter, while young, is absorbing everything.  If not for you, then think of her.  Would you want her to grow up and be in the same situation?  I don't believe so.  That is, however, very likely if she is continually exposed to this growing up.  

The first step, besides seeking counseling, is to realize this man is an adult.  No matter what his past was like, he has the power to be different, yet he chooses to steal, lie and abuse others.  By giving him more chances, you are silently telling him it is Okay to treat you the way he does.  He has already been physically violent at least once.  This is indication it will happen again, and will continue to get worse.  At one point, there is a good chance the violence will be directed at your daughter.

Make a counseling appointment and ask about a co-depency group.  Then make a point of refusing to allow him to return until he has undergone counseling for at least a year.  Make sure anger management is also covered.  If this man truly wants to be different, and if he truly loves you and the baby, he will comply.  If he refuses, both you and your daughter are much better without him.  This is not bipolar disorder, but instead an abusive personality.

Please for your safety and the safety of your daughter, follow the above advice.

         Joyce A. Anthony

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Joyce,

     Thank you for answering my questions.I have paid for his bail and I will be back there to pick him up.Then I will tell him if he really wants us then he needs to seek counseling and everything that he needs to do to help him out with his behavior then if cannot be patient to put up with all this then I will tell him to just move out and leave me and our daughter the unit I'm sure he wouldn't mind doing that.I will find a job and save money as much as I can so me and my daughter got savings and got something for emergency.I just can't do it now because I haven't got a full time job and I don't know where else I can get help.Please let me know what else you can advice to me.

Thank you very much.

Answer
Mahanne:

The local women's shelter can help you.  Look in your local phone book and keep their number where you can get it at all times.  All I can add to my previous answer is do not stay if it becomes unsafe.  Take your daughter and leave immediately for your safety and hers.
         Joyce A. Anthony