Expert: Joanne Chang - 6/24/2010

Question
I have experienced many of the things with my husband and his bipolar.  My DH is bipolar II - extremely moody, criteral, negative, destructive (doors, walls, furniture, other objects).  We are separated for the third time.  We have been married for 8 1/2 years.  It has been exhausting.  Until recently, I didn't really believe in bipolar.  I just believed that prayer would change his behavior. I was so wrong.  The more I read other people's stories, the more I am sure that his illness is real. We sought marital counseling and I started journaling my experience with his illness.  I shared by journal with him.  During this last time separation, he was unfaithful and I have filed for divorce.  He has had 7 different jobs in 8 1/2 years and constantly lies.  He disappears for hours at a time with no real explanation and our house is made up of damaged projects or projects that are started and unfinished.  I have felt so much like a referee between he and my daughter (from a previous relationship).  I think he was jealous of her.  We have one child (a son) who has witnessed his abuse, anger and unusual behavior.  Since our separation in Feb 2010, he has admitted to drinking again, not taking his meds and it is rumored that he smoking a lot of pot.  He is living in a trailor he purchased for $900 which does not have plumbing or a floor and is covered with mold.  It looks like a ransacked mess.  It baffles me how he could go from a $100K financing stable household to this.  I love him, but mostly I feel sorry for him.  I know that his illness is what drives his behavior.  I question whether I really knew him.  Is he nice, mean, irritable....Personally I believe he is all.  He is currently supposed to be on depakote, but he admits to not taking it consistently.  I can't tell you the number of times he would begin talking and ramble on for sometimes hours.  It was so taxing.  I know the marriage is doomed because of the infidelity.  I just don't believe I can carry on knowing that my husband has been unfaithful.  All his friends now seem to be misfits - druggies, mentally ill or outcasts.  We went to church usually 3 times a week.  I am ao incredibly sad and devastated, but feel that I am doing the right thing for my sanity and children.  My question is how do you move on?  I don't hate him and never will.  I do hate his behavior and the things that he has done.  Any insight would be appreciated.

Answer
Hi Candi,

Things certainly haven't been easy for you, yet you have forged your way ahead with great resilience, fortitude and dignity.

I like how you ended by reaffirming that you hate the behaviour as this indicates to me that you are discerning in drawing your boundaries.

Some extra thoughts:
- It is apparent that your husband's condition is not being managed well and that you care, but ultimately, he will not witness a significant, sustained improvement unless he decides for himself to put in more effort to managing his illness such that he does not hurt the people in his life.
- It certainly is not easy to act as a mediator, especially in your situation.  Are your kids in counselling?  A third, objective party might help them with any issues / concerns they might have and reduce stress / expectations on you.
- On a related note, are you in therapy?  If not, perhaps consider seeing someone as you have been through a lot over an extended period of many years and having someone guide you through resolving issues, such as gaining closure, can be a source of great comfort and aid (e.g. providing practical suggestions).

How do you move on?
I wish I had an easy answer for you but I don't.  I feel optimistic about your forward progress though because I sense the courage in you.  I am glad you drew the line in making it clear that abuse is simply not acceptable because you are teaching your children not to accept abuse either.  Please continue to value yourself - you deserve love and respect.
When overwhelmed, consider taking a short holiday if possible to rest and take your mind off things.
Also, consider the lesson shared in the serenity prayer: have the wisdom to discern and the serenity to accept that which you cannot change, and the courage to change what you can.

I sincerely wish you and your family all the best.  Do take good care of yourself.

Best wishes,
Joanne