Expert: Jennifer - 1/3/2011

Question
My boyfriend and I have been together 8 months. Just Last week he met my family and everything went great and they really liked him and vice-versa. We spent New Years Eve together, just the two of us and it was a nice relaxing evening. Then out of no where he sent me a text on the night of new years day saying he had been crying all afternoon and his feeling were not growing stronger. I have recently in the last month or so realized subtle changes in behavior, mostly involving his level of affection. I didn't think much of it, since that tends to be his pattern. After the text he said he did not feel ready to talk about everything. The next day I emailed him to say that I wanted to talk to either preserve our friendship or at the least have closure. He emailed back to say that I was the best boyfriend he ever had and that he knew it. He texted me later to say he was ready to talk, as we texted it became clear he was not ready to talk. He then admitted that he had been off his meds and asked if we could wait three days before talking because he had an appointment with his psychiatrist in two and wanted to start back on his meds.
I am at a loss. In 8 months he has become my best friend and we have so much fun together. If we are not together as a couple, I don't want to lose the friendship, I just don't know what is the bipolar with out meds and what are his true feelings. Any advise you can give would help.

Answer
Any relationship has challenges that are unique to each situation, those between the bipolar and the not are definitely not recommended for anyone not willing to put in their fair share of effort to make things work, and require patience and sensitivity to matters that stem from dealing with the condition in the person diagnosed with it. Still, this type of pairing seems to be more common than "bipolar & bipolar" couples so you'd think that there would be a lot more information and guidance out there; after researching the subject it was clear that there are more people out there sharing their stories because they want to "warn" the public against having anything to do with those of us who are bipolar than there are people telling stories with positive messages that can potentially benefit others, reduce the social stigmas that those with bipolar face, and demonstrate just how critical close relationships are when it comes to the quality of life for people who are bipolar. Don't take those negative opinions as anything but what they are; the experience of an individual, which can be entirely different than one you might have due to all of the things that make you the person you are - no one can ever be entirely the same as someone else, and it should be pointed out that we've all had times where the story we told wasn't the full version, but one that portrayed our side in the best possible light. I think that we just don't want the global community of the Internet to view us as terrible people that behave badly in a relationship and then turn around and blame it on the other person because they are bipolar. No one asks to have a mental illness, but with medication and a positive 'support system' of people, it truly is possible to have as close to "normal" life as anyone can reasonably expect with or without a mental illness.

Clearly this man is struggling with the more mundane feelings (in comparison to the 'excitement' of those manic and hypo-manic highs) associated with being on medication, but at the same time he's going back to his psychiatrist to go on meds again - some people will take years, even decades, before they realize their life is a mess and they're ill-equipped to do anything about it when they're un-medicated. And there are others who never get there. You've introduced him to the family, so if I had to guess I'd say that you're at a point in life where you're looking for someone to pursue a serious and long-term commitment with. His feelings about you were strong enough for him to agree to meet your family, the lack of medication may have made him worry whether he'd measure up in your eyes, it might have even caused him to feel a bit scared - getting involved in a serious relationship can strike fear into anyone, especially when it's going to be a new experience in our life. If this person is someone that you truly wish to have around for the long run, as a friend or as a romantic partner, it's going to require time, patience, and work. And how much harm can there actually be in letting him get things squared away with his medication before addressing what happened and where you and he are going from there - having patience doesn't only apply to how one deals with issues in the relationship, it is also needed when waiting to see where things will go.

I hope that this helps you, please let me know if there's anything I can clarify or if there are additional questions I can answer. And I'm always happy to receive updates.