Expert: Ivan Goldberg, M.D. - 1/19/2011

Question
Dr. Goldberg,

I am a 25 years old female that has come a long way. I was diagnosed as bipolar at age 18; from there I was institutionalized on many occasions by the age of 21. I was in such a bad condition that when I applied for disability I was accepted immediately. I was told people are normally denied on their first attempt. The challenge was to find the right medication that would control my depression, insomnia, and suicidal/homicidal thoughts. At age 22, I was placed on Lamictal and Seroquel (take as needed). I was able to cope, I recently graduated with an A.S. degree as summa cum laude and I received the president’s cup. I have earned various I.T. certifications and I am now studying to be a biomedical technician. School has been difficult for me, not so much as learning but working in groups or speaking in front of the class. I am not fond of school but I want to earn more money so I can purchase a house; secluded from others. I would have never pictured my life changing in this matter; the only negative thing is a diagnosis of having a schizoid personality disorder at age 23. This does not surprise me, I absolutely dislike social interaction, I live alone, and although I have a decent job I dread finding new employment as I would have to be social. I currently work 3rd shift by myself, if I am not there I am in school or home by myself. Yesterday, someone keyed my vehicle. I just got that vehicle it is a sports car Mazda6 2010, it is my first car and I worked hard to earn money and balance my bills. I didn’t even want this vehicle I just wanted a car to get me to and from my destination without breaking down. My mother persuaded me into getting it; she drives a Chryslers 300 and she is very materialistic. This incident has thrown my entire day off, I can’t sleep, I don’t know how I feel but something just isn’t right. I don’t care about the vehicle or that someone keyed my car, only if I deserved it, but I don’t! I stay to myself, I rarely speak, and I haven’t done anything wrong to anyone. Against my better judgment, I went to a gun shop yesterday to price some guns and I am going to buy one. I know I shouldn’t but my homicidal thoughts are back in full force. I am tired of people doing things to me when I haven’t wronged anybody. I know bad is probably going to come from this situation so my question is how do I control this? Although I am not that fond of people, I don't want to hurt anybody but I can’t stop thinking about getting even. I don’t want to tell my psychiatrist that I am having these thoughts she may try to hospitalize me; I don’t need that right now, so is there anything I can do to try and help myself?

You know what is ironic about this situation, if things turn out bad, society will portray me as the bad one, everyone else is innocent; I am the psychologically damaged individual.

Answer
Hi Kayla . . .

I am d
sorry that I cannot give you the detailed rep[ly that your detailed query deserves but I only have a minute in which to answer your question. I think the most important thing is that you let your psychiatrist know as much as possible about your current situation and plans. If you were to hurt or kill someone I think you would have regrets for thew rest of your life. It is foolish for anyone with a mood disorder to own a gun because of the dual threats of homicide and suicide. One of the best ways of preventing yourself from hurting yourself or someone else is not to own a firearm.

The basic unfairness of life is something that you and your therapist should spend a good deal of time discussing. If you expect life to be fair, you will be constantly disappointed.

Best regards . . .

Ivan
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