Expert: Joyce A. Anthony - 1/4/2011

Question
i have had to seek counseling because of my 62 year old brothers behavior.  I has been living with me for the last 3 years and has destroyed my nerves and my finances.  He hasn't worked....believes he's going to "score" it be again in his life.  He once had a great income, but never did anything to secure his future.  I can't deal with the moods when he blames me and everyone else for all his misgivings.  He is soooo nasty when he gets this way. I need some suggestions.  
I can't talk to him....no one can.

Answer
Michelle:

I'm not sure I'm seeing a question here, but will give you my thoughts. First, I don't know the circumstances behind your brother living with you, but it may be time for you to tell him he needs to find his own apartment.  Three years is long enough for him to have gotten his act together and started doing for himself.

Second, you mentioned your nerves and him being the cause of the upset.  I know you won't want to hear this, but we choose how to respond to situations and he isn't to blame for the upset; you allowing the situation to continue is the problem.  You need to stand up for yourself and tell him it is not working with him there and he needs to find another place.  This is your home and it is within your power to change the situation to be better for you.

There is only so much we can do for another person.  Sometimes leaving them no ultimatum but to make it themselves is the greatest gift we can give a person.  Many people will become dependent on others because it is easier, but that is selling them short.  Let him know you are there to help if he needs it, but you need to see him trying and have confidence in his ability to do so if he tries.  

In the older times, a sailor who could not swim was tossed into the water and told he must sink or swim.  Without fail, the majority learned to swim then and there, for they felt it was there only choice.  It is time to toss your brother into the sea of life and allow him to sink or swim.  I believe if he has no other choice, he will swim.

                                          Joyce A. Anthony