Expert: Jennifer - 10/26/2011

Question
As a youn girl of 11 or 12 I began to suffer from a mental ilness that would latter be described as Bipolor d/o. I have a very long history of child abuse and sexual abuse from a very close family mamber, specificaly my father. He denies it, but I remember bits and pieces of it including him taking a shower with me at age 12. many suggestive things happened before that. Lots of uncontrollable tickling and seeing sperm from his penis. He also picked me out to be the one who got my ass kicked in a family of five other siblings. I am always so angry at him because I can't believe he did that to me' why I even had vaginal infections with no memory of how I got them, only that my mother gave my vaginal supositories. At 53yr. old I still have never felt close to him and in his old age I have discovered he lies guite abit. He by the way never admits to any abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse or any of the thing that I remember in pretty good context. He contines to lie to me about things I ask him. I am devastated to have a father who cannot set the record straight. It makes me estremely angry and I am considering that perhaps it is best dor me not to see my parents again.Since they both deny it happened amd are choosing to let me life my life in silent desperation.Isolated and on the verge of stabbing myself to just stop the pain, their disbielf and unwanting to disclose their sins made upon me are monumental to keep living.It.s only so long that you can survive a psychiatric condition with a co-occuring pyscial one[serious injuries to my back] and live with a liar who hepled the creation of bipolor and PTSD. I'm at my wits end, I want my family as weird as they are, but mostly I want my anger to subside by my father to admit what he did, and at 84 it is likey he will not. How do I live with this anger.His Lies.I know god will have a special place for him, and he'll have some anwsering to do then, but I will never hear it. and because of my question he will likely disseheriate me for my probing questions.So far only two of my older sister have stuck up for me but they are to afraid of their losses. I have actually threatened to sue my father, basicaly because he will not admit his indescretions with me or aknowledge them at all. He has become a big fat liyer and I have medical files going back to the 70's when I could afford my own help, and nothing has changed about my stories because they happened and are real. please help in anyway you can recommend. I would apreciate any suggestions on howto deal with thismold man,and hold him resposible for most of my adult life poblems due to my bipolar disorder.He is a liar. thankyou so much for you time and consideration   pamela wylie

Answer
If you want to have a relationship with your family - one without the burden of anger - you have to forgive. The statute of limitation on having your father arrested and charged with the crimes committed against his daughters (it's likely he did the same to your sisters, talk to them - having people there supporting each other as they deal with issues-in-common is beneficial for them all.) and it would be difficult - maybe impossible - to sue him. He will likely never admit to anything, and it's good that you've recognized that God - not you - will punish him.

You are probably angry at your mother for not protecting you like she should have, and helping him cover things up. It's no excuse and it  may not apply to your specific family situation, but back when all this was happening, divorce laws favored the father since they are the one with a job and ownership of a home; the threat of never seeing their kids again if a divorce occurred was an effective tactic for getting whatever they please. Have you considered the possibility that your mother is in a marriage (and has been) with secrets and lies that she;'S terrified of opening her mouth, and her own childhood had exposed her to physical/emotional/mental/sexual abuse? You need to forgive her for these things because she is flawed like the rest of us and could only parent the best she could without the proper tools. If he's abused his children he might have started with abusing their mother.

While it's pretty likely that the PTSD can be connected to the added stress buildup from what happened with your father, bipolar disorder is a little more difficult to determine; the current research has shown that those with at least one first degree blood relative with bipolar increases someone's chances, and that only increases if they have a family history of mental illness. However, it usually takes something major and life-shattering in a person's life/environment to bring about the onset of symptoms. Right now it seems like you need to forgive your father and other family members (whether it is only on a personal level or actually meeting them face to face and forgiving each person) - when you forgiving someone, who cheated in a relationship(for example), the weight of the consequences to where it belongs - on their shoulders. Forgiveness is for the person who is forgiving someone who wronged them. But life is too short to always live angry - and it can shorten your overall lifespan too. You have a decision to make; forgive and move on, or forgive and try to build a new relationship with your family.