Expert: Jennifer - 2/9/2011

Question
Hi Jennifer,
My 29 yr. Old daughter was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in June '09.  She had severe mania and became psychotic.  She has been seeing a good psychiatrist regularly and has tried many combinations of medication.  It appears she has the rapid cycling form of bipolar and mainly deals with severe depression and tiredness.  She is living at home with us, both parents.  We have been very supportive and I have been here with her doing whatever I can to help.  She is now working in retail, has an internship and has applied to about 10 law schools for fall of 2011.  She has been accepted to 2 and wait listed for 2 others, one with a full scholarship.  Since she has been working regularly she has developed so much anger and it is directed toasted us.  It's all about money.  Even though we have helped her financially, college, overseas educational experience, and helping her with her credit card debt after her diagnosis and last winter bought her a car. We help her with whatever bills: gas, transportation & medical that she can't manage for each month.  We aren't able to pay for her law school tuition and have been upfront with her and her doctor about that.  She stopped talking to us  and even acknowledging our presence around the beginning of Dec. 2010.  The reason being that we will not rent an apartment for her or pay for her law school.  We feel taken advantage of and can't allow this type of "love for money" relationship to continue.  It is not good for any of us. We worry for her safety and are not sure if she may be becoming manic.  We send regularly emails to her doctor letting him know her behavior at home.  We worry for her safety and have no communication with her.  My husband and I are trying to get on with our lives but our daughter's erratic, rage fueled anger and controlling behavior is
taking a toll on us.  We worry that the demands of law school will be too much for her.  She likes a quiet organized atmosphere and is not overly social outside of work.  Can you offer us any suggestions or insight
into situation?  Thank you for your time.

Answer
I know many adults around the same age as your daughter who would be considered "boomerang" kids who have returned to live in their parents' homes after earning at least a bachelor's degree, some are now working on their masters and a couple are in law school - only one of them is bipolar. It's fairly common for young adults from the Y generation to have expectations of their parents that they help them out financially, sometimes the amount expected is much much more than their parents could or should have to fork out. It is that sort of situation that some parenting and psychology experts are thinking of when they suggest that the parents take a stand and cut down how much they're giving their adult children financially to almost zero.

Your daughter is 29, she has a job and an internship which she has a car to drive herself to - and you've been generous enough to help her with the debt she's accumulated. If she's going to freeze you out over the fact that you don't want to "give until it hurts" at a point when you and your husband are probably worrying about retirement and how to manage that phase in your lives, you don't have to worry that she'll continue to be that way forever in all likelihood. It may take a while for her to realize that she's had it a whole lot better than most people her age, and that you and her father have financial concerns of your own to consider - but if she's able to get herself through college and accepted to law school, she's smart enough to come to her senses about how immature she's being about the money matter when she's had a good long while to cool off.

If you have a decent line of communication with her psychiatrist, you can contact them and ask if they can tell you whether your daughter is in trouble or doing okay - as long as you don't ask for the specifics or details, it shouldn't be a problem.