Expert: Ivan Goldberg, M.D. - 4/18/2011

Question
Hi Doctor,

I have one sister who is 30 years old. She is a mess and although i want the best for her i really dislike her behavior. She is selfish and always feels sorry for herself, she feels the world is against her and feels that is the reason she has nothing going for her. She was given allot more at home when we were children than I was but I worked hard to achieve independence, get my degree and get my career on the road. She didn't study and never wanted to get a job. Finally I got her into hairdressing as she is not too bright but she is creative. Anyway she is out of work now.

She gets involved with men and falls for anyone. when she gets them on side she ignores me until the guy dumps her. all my life I have taken her into my home when this happened and I helped get her back on her feet. Then she walks out and I don't her from her for up to a year.

She usually takes an overdoes after being dumped by a guy. The last time this happened she had not spoken to me in so long I didn't even know where she lived when she called to say she overdosed. I asked her where she lived so I could go and help her but she refused to tell me. eventually I got in touch with someone who knew where she lived and they broke into her house and got her to the hospital. My father took her in and she bad mouthed me all over Christmas for no reason other than she was in pain and I think she was jealous that I got married earlier that year and was happy. I think I deserve to be happy.
When I got married she never even got me a gift or a card which makes me so sad to feel she is so selfish.
When she needs me she will text me late at night and get me to call her because she has no credit. I did this after Christmas and spent my whole weekend listening to her cry non stop. Yet when a man calls her she is well able to put on a happy face and smile.
I know part of her hates me because I'm prettier, I have worked for my education and have a good job, a nice home and a lovely husband.
I understand she has nothing however I can't help but not like her anymore. I feel she got more chances than me in some ways and she decided not to take them so why should she feel its okay for her to bad mouth me and say I had a better life than her.
I feel let down because I always wanted the best for her yet she is so twisted she is unhappy that I'm okay at the moment.
I'm mailing because now I don't feel sorry for her anymore I feel I hate her because of how she is. She has nothing and she blames everyone else. The last time she tried to top herself I had just suffered my second miscarriage and I never bothered her over it or told her about it and i never will. i just hate the fact that when I was just getting over the miscarriage she called to tell me she was after overdosing and everyone had to run around after her just because she got dumped by a guy who was no good anyway.
She has some health issues but when she is being treated she doesn't bother going back to the hospital yet she tells me about them to worry and upset me. I feel why bother upsetting someone if she is not willing to help fix them.
I feel used when she needs someone she will contact me and when she is feeling okay she bad months me.
Thing is she feels she suffers from depression but yet i feel she just wants everything handed to her and she is selfish.
Is there any excuse for this bad behavior? Is she depressed or is she just a horrible selfish bitch or are they one and the same thing? I knew someone years ago who was suppose to suffer from depression and I found him to be the most selfish person and most abusive person I think I ever met.
I don't like my sister and I don't feel any need to have her in my life as all she does is upset me. Is it okay to walk away or is she really depressed? I find myself left with no nice feelings for her and even told her I don't like her (and then felt guilty). I'm so angry inside for how she abused me by taking the last overdoes and making me responsible for her life that night. I know I sound heartless and I never was before with her but I have nothing let to give her anymore and now I'm even ashamed to call her my sister as she has feel so low with the company she keeps.

What do u think given the information above? Is she depressed and if so is it fair to bring me down with her? I feel guilty writing this now but yet I'm so so angry over her and he horrible ways and overdoses. She is so jealous she doesn't like our father talking to me. Our mother is dead. He is always terrified she will kill herself and does as she wants to keep her happy.

Answer
Hi Debbie . . .

People who have chronic depression can be a royal pain. As you have observed, they seem to be unable to care about anyone but themselves. They often have no empathy for what others are feeling and are preoccupied by their own needs. It is easy to feel manipulated by such a person . . . especially if they repeatedly threaten / attempt suicide.

When people are depressed they seem to develop some of the symptoms of what has been called narcissistic personality disorder. You can read about this disorder at:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652/DSECT...

http://my.clevelandclinic.org/disorders/personality_disorders/hic_narcissistic_p...

These symptoms may be seen as attempts to compensate for the inadequacy that they feel.

You obviously have to do what is right for you. Both staying involved with your sister and cutting yourself off from her have advantages and disadvantages. If you cut yourself off from her and she end up killing herself, I cannot predict the amount of guilt you might experience . . . just as I am unable to predict the amount of discomfort you would experience by staying involved with her.  You might want to see a psychologist or psychotherapist to clarify you feelings regarding remaining involved or terminating the relationship.

Best regards . . .

Ivan
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%