Expert: Joyce A. Anthony - 5/2/2011

Question
Dealing w/ my ex-husband, father of our 10yr old son, is like walking on eggshells.  

Background:  We were married because I was pregnant and stayed together only until my son was 11mos old.  I left (his home) because it was unbearable with mood swings, anxiety, threats, isolation, paranoia, etc.

For almost ten years I've tip-toed around him, wanting my son to have a relationship w/ him and managing good days with bad.  He was on medication for a year or so and he was a little easier to deal with.  However in the past several months he has been off the medication and on two occasions he has made threats to me about me and my family, once when I started the annulment process and recently when I tried to discuss increasing child support.  

His pattern has been one in which he freaks out when I pressure him for things like this...things that he has no control.

 I am now in a position of dealing with managing my son and now these threats. He clearly has deep hatred for me and my family and if I told you or others what he said you would probably tell me to call the police and get a restraining order from him.  

However, my experience w/ him is that he's all talk and once he cools down, he no longer feels the threat, he is great.  I have managed this way for ten years and I'm tired.  Part of me would like to play hardball to put his back up against the wall and make him "fix himself" and then he can resume a relationship w/ our son.  But, there's a price to pay for that...lawyers bills and worse yet the fact that my son will likely blame me for him not being able to see his Dad.

How should I deal with this 60 year old BP or maybe Borderline Personality???

Thank you,
Karen

Answer
Karen:

You mention threats to you and your family, but not toward your son.  If your son is safe around his dad, then I would suggest allowing visitations, but having someone else take your son or pick him up.

In addition, there is nothing that says you need to discuss your plans for raising support or anything else with him.  You have tried to be cooperative and fair and he has made that impossible.  From here on out, just do what you need to do and let him find out when the offices involved tell him.

You need to understand that you do not need to be abused in order for your son to have a relationship with his dad.  Their relationship will work out or not, but it will be the two of them that has to decide.  Don't allow your ex to threaten not seeing his son because of something you say or do--if he chooses to stay away, that is his choice.  I am sure your son is old enough to understand that the choice is his dad's and not your fault.

If, however, your son is in danger, I definitely would go to domestic relations and file for changes in visitation--changes that include medication and counseling. If he refuses to comply, again, the choice is his, and you are not to blame.  

We don't always do things our kids agree with or fully understand, but that should not stop us from making choices that are best for them.  Your son may get angry, but eventually he will understand.  What counts is that you keep him safe.

                            Joyce A. Anthony