Expert: Joyce A. Anthony - 5/23/2011

Question
Why are bipolar people so violent and abusive. My nephew is also delusional. Hasn't got a clue on how to take care of himself. My brother has given him everything he has ever wanted and he does not appreciate it. I know that May is Mental Health month. Since my nephew has no health insurance is there any financial help out there for him if my brother does have a judge order him to go into a hospital. He needs people who understand his disease and can deal with him. Help him get on the right meds and teach him how to be an adult with responsibilities. How to learn to get along in the work force. Handle money. He is really smart at repairing computers. How is that?  Oh and he is a pathological liar. Is that part of being bipolar? My brother has set down rules but he just blows them off and does what he wants. He has kicked him out but he keeps coming back. My brother has now contacted his lawyer to get a restraining order against him so if he does come back he can call the police. I am afraid Shelby is going to really lose it and do something bad when he finds this out about this. I don't know how my mom and brother live with all this. My brother was suppose to have surgery on his hand tomorrow and he said he has to cancel it because his blood pressure is too high.He had surgery on it once before but it never healed right because he was under so much stress all due to a 19 yr old punk.I have been telling him what you have told me about what you know and I think it has helped him. Thank-you so much.

Answer
Sandy:

There is more than bipolar going on with your nephew.  Unfortunately, I think a lot of it is just plain meanness and possibly "learned" behavior.  By "learned" I mean that somewhere along the line, violent behavior worked in getting him what he wanted, so he did it again.  Each time it worked, that reinforced his understanding that hey, all I have to do is be scary and people will give in!

I'm more inclined to think your nephew has some type of personality disorder rather than bipolar disorder.  Pathological lying, violence, etc. are not "normal" parts of bipolar disorder.  Add to the fact that he is nineteen, and that explains even more.  Teenagers are often difficult to handle, then add a personality disorder and you have what looks like your nephew--a defiant young man who needs someone to show him you can't bully your way through life.

Your nephew may be eligible for state medical insurance, but will need to check with the local department of human services.  His age makes it difficult for anyone to step in and get him help--he needs to be more active in that matter.  Maybe a PFA #one that your brother follows and doesn't give in on#will give him a wake up call.

I am going to share a personal story with you, which I don't often do but it illustrates my point.  I have four nephews.  The oldest one was always in positions where his mother made excuses for his behavior such as, his disorder is why he is like this or he can't help himself.  He would steal her car and she'd call the police, but would stop short of pressing charges.

In any case, one day he went into one of his violent rages and she called the police.  I love all my nephews and have at one time or another had them with me for a time, so she called me, with the police there and asked if he could come stay with me for a while.  I asked if he was acting out and she said yes, and it was either me or jail.  I know it sounds "mean" but I told her to have the police take him.

At first, he was angry, but he is over that now.  He spent two weeks in jail--and it totally changed his behavior.  He is now responsible, looks for other methods of getting what he wants and is an all around great person.  

I tell you this because it is very difficult to see your own child go to jail--and know you gave the word, but that is often what is needed.  One of two things will happen--he will wise up and realize his dad is serious or he will be able to get medical help for a disorder, should he actually have one.  In either case, he gets help.  

                                       Joyce A. Anthony