Expert: Joyce A. Anthony - 5/18/2011

Question
I recently wrote to you about my bi-polar nephew who is very violent and verbaly abusive to his dad and 80 yr old gramma. Your responce was reasonable however he has already been to jail, infact he was tasered by the police for running. It didn't phase him at all. He made friends while in there and this was Dallas, Texas. The jail sent him home, said he didn't belong there.
My brother just recently bought him a car. He just now got his drivers lisence. He had a job and my brother said now get out. well he lost his job. He will now be wanting gas money and if he doesn't get it he will punch a hole in something or steal something to pawn. He saved none of the money he has earned. I believe he buys and sells drugs. My poor old mother, she doesn't deserve this at the end of her life but he doesn't care.
She will be out mowing grass and he won't even help her. My brother was a truck driver and was gone alot when Shelby was little so my mom took care of him. She feels he is her child. He was 2 at the time of the divorce and my brother fought for custody of him. He was always hyper, and as he got older he turned into a thief and started smoking pot to calm him. But now he is controlling everthing. I told my Brother to call the police but see, then my mom gets all upset and her blood pressure goes up and he doesn't want to upset her and is afraid she will have a stroke. They have to give him his 4 bars xanax in the morning and at nite, alot of times he will sell them too. He is on depakote too I think. He has been on alot but doesn't take them like he should.They have to lock everything up. I am so sad for both my brother and my mom cause they have done everything they can do make him happy and try to help hime but he just won't listen to them. He wants to fight. My brother is on disability due to his truck driving days. His hands are numb and he is in pain all the time.His shoulders, his back. I feel shelby needs to be hospitalize and evaluated again and monitered while he takes his meds. And to detox and start to think like a normal person.  He already has documentation from 2 doctors that he is bi polar and adhd add. Can't a doctor court order a patient to get help before e kills someone? Because that is what is gonna happen. He can't drive. He has to be all slumped over listening to that bad, and I mean bad rap music, he goes to fast and he is not paying attention to toher drivers. I pray and pray but to no avail. I don't know the answer but I sure wish I did.When i was there last year he was bad mouthing my mom and I stood up for her, he said he was going to stick me. I said Oh now your going to stab me for defending my mom. Go ahead. He is just nutz!

Answer
Sandy:

A doctor has no authority to hospitalize someone against their will.  Should the doctor believe your nephew is a danger to himself or others, the doctor can have the police go to a judge and get a court order.  Unless your nephew actually does hurt someone, a judge's order is necessary.

It appears your brother, who has to be the one to set the rules in the house he lives in, is unwilling to practice tough love for fear of upsetting your mother.  He is the one who must decide--will your mother be more upset about telling your nephew he must leave or by possibly being physically harmed?  We all must make decisions in life that aren't exactly easy.

By not being harder on your nephew, your brother is basically giving him silent permission to continue his behavior.  I understand your concern, but if the people your nephew lives with are unable to set down the rules and follow them, there isn't anything you can do :-(

I know that is difficult to deal with.  You see the issue and have the concern, yet have no power to change it.  Try talking with your brother one last time.  Tell him your nephew is emotionally abusing him and your mother and he needs to either set down rules that his son either follow or leave the house--or he must resolve himself to the fact nothing is going to change.  I understand this isn't the answer your want to hear, but it is the reality of the situation.  Your hands are tied and there is literally nothing you can do--it is up to your brother or mother.
                            Joyce A. Anthony