Expert: Joyce A. Anthony - 5/30/2011

Question
When my daughter was born she would sleep for 45 minutes and up for over an hour then sleep 45 and up again.  This would happen through the entire night.  She was on medication for heat burn but no other reason was ever given.  As she became older she still does not sleep through the night.  She wakes up screaming as though she is hurt and she would be shaking and screaming and it would take almost an hour to calm her down.  By the time she was 2 she would be fine one minute and the next she would drop to the ground screaming and shaking and would bang her head into the wall or floor.  I was so concerned I spoke with my Dr. and they told me she was throwing tantrums and gave me techniques to use and it would all make it worse. Now that she is three almost four I spend my evenings crying feeling like I am a horrible parent.  She is completly out of control.  trying to even explain a day with her is so draining.  She wakes up screaming shaking and her body turns red. after about 20 minutes she will calm down but if you try to comfort her she screams for you to get away and if you don't comfort her she screams for you to rub on her.  I mean this is all in that 20 minutes.  She wants to constantly be rubbed on.  That seems to be the only thing that calms her.  Tonight she wanted me to rub on her so i sat on the couch to rub on her and she starts screaming and shaking and turning red.  It takes so long to get words out of her and when she finally said something it was that she wanted milk.  So I go into the kitchen to get her milk and she drops from the couch to the ground screaming and crying again and once shes calm she yells that she wanted me to rub on her.  This is an all day everyday occurrance with everything.  She wants one thing then I do it and she is screaming and yelling and jumping up and down and turning red and she does that for 10 to 15 minutes and finally says what she wanted.  Again, I took her to the Dr. and they still insist it tantrums.  Anyone who has spent a period of time with her would know there is something more going on then a tantrum.  Even my close friends and family are concerned.  She is constantly angry, screaming, crying.  She will do this to the point of making herself throw up.  There is no reasoning with her until she is ready and this goes on all day long.  I am concerned it is a mental disorder because my husbands father is the same way.  One minute he is fine and the next he is in your face yelling and screaming.  He was diagnosed Bipolar.  My husbands brother is also the same way but never diagnosed.  My husband used to be that way and at one point it almost ended our marriage.  Hent went to counseling and I haven't seen that side again but I am concerned for my daughter.  I don't know how to help her.  That worst thing is when this happens she has this look of helplessness in her face as though she really cannot control it.  When she does try to control it her body starts to shake and she starts to kind of flinch her body around and lets out little screams.  She starts school this year and I am worried for her.  I also have a five year old and 1 year old and they have never shown any of the aggression that my 3 year old has.

Answer
Chastity, because of your daughter's age, it is going to be difficult to find help, but contact the school district she will be entering or a local mental health clinic and ask for them to give your daughter a psychological evaluation.  This will help pinpoint where the problem is.  It does appear that she is suffering from a mood disorder of some type.  Part of it MAY be attention-getting, but I don't believe that is the issue.  Her behavior is typical of early-onset bipolar disorder.

General medical doctors will often state a child just need more discipline, etc.  That is because they are not trained in mental health issues.  Try to find out in advance if anyone you have see your daughter has experience working with young kids.  This can make a big difference between her getting help or not.  In the meantime, keep a written record of her behavior with time, reaction, what was happening when it started and behavior afterwards.  All this will help a counselor determine what disorder you are dealing with.

Do not fall into the "I'm a bad mother" state.  You have three kids and two are not like this.  That proves that it isn't your mothering.  We can do everything "right" and some kids just need more--that is not a bad reflection on either you or your daughter.  
                                     Joyce A. Anthony