Expert: Joyce A. Anthony - 7/29/2011

Question
Hi Joyce and thank you for your time -

I have a 28 year old brother who is BiPolar and has ADHD.  He's currently receiving some kind of medical attention and taking meds - although he won't talk about it.  As as family we have tried helping him - providing him work via the internet, food, health insurance.  He lives in a small apartment bedroom and leaves once a day to go purchase a hot dog and caffeine.

He is about to lose his health insurance (which means no more medications).  He says he can no longer work because work causes disabling anxiety and headaches.  He has no money.

If he's telling the truth and his anxiety and headaches are so bad that he is legitimately disabled, then I feel we should support him financially as he figures things out.  However, he is also very manipulative and knows how to work our parents and siblings.  He refuses any and all money that comes with strings attached (The strings being that he start doing community service or attend church or something else that will get him out of his bedroom).  At times I feel like we should let go of the situation and let him become homeless because he thinks he's got us all where he wants us (but I could be wrong!).

My question then, is how do we go about determining what is real and what isn't, if all we have is his word (via email no less as we live in different states and he doesn't have a phone)?

Many thanks.  Any and all suggestions are appreciated.

Answer
Rachel:

You are on the right track--it is time "tough love" come into play with your brother. By helping him with money and such, it is only making it possible for him to continue as he is.  There is only so much family and friends can do for a person, but it is the person, in this case your brother, who must take the reins and do for themselves in the end.

Is your brother too ill to work?  There is that possibility.  However, it is up to him to see a doctor and contact social security about getting disability payments.  There are also programs that aid in getting medication for those who can't afford it.  Again, that needs to be his move to ask his doctor and contact the right places.

It is not up to you or your parents to determine if what he's saying is real or just manipulation.  Whichever one it is, he's depending too much on the help and doing nothing to help himself get better.  It is time to step back, and I know it is difficult to think of him on the streets, and allow him to take responsibility for his future.

Don't turn away completely.  Make it clear to him that his family will help in any way it can--once it is shown he is actually trying to help himself.  In this way, the choice is on him--if he wants to sit around and do nothing, then he must deal with the consequences.  If he is willing to try and get himself out of his current situation, then he'll have the help and support.  

It sounds like he has learned the art of manipulation quite well, although the continued giving in of family has helped enforce that.  It is important with "tough love" that everyone is on the same page and willing to follow through--it only takes one person giving in to undo everything. Most people will not push things to the point of becoming homeless if they know there is a way out.  Put the power over your brother's future where it most belongs -- in his own hands.

                               Joyce A. Anthony