Expert: Ivan Goldberg, M.D. - 7/21/2007

Question
When I was a little girl and moved into a new house at age 5 I met my next door neighbor who was 4 at the time.  We became best friends and we were best friends up until around Junior High.  My parents had moved and I was already going through a lot of ups and downs myself and saw my best friend as doing really well and becoming extremely popular.  Over the years have not stayed in touch and felt it was best to let her have her own life, I didn't want to ruin anything that she may have had.  Recently I went back home for a family Reunion after 8 years of not being back and was told by my brother that my childhood best friend was back in town and living with her parents.  He went on to say that my bf mom said some pretty horrible stuff and she was really messed up.  That night I went over to her old house and knocked on the door but no one answered so the next day I called her, I still remembered her number, anyways she was all excited to talk to me and immediately stated to tell me that she was Bipolar and to please understand that she has a very hard time keeping appointments etc and after about 30 minutes of talking she hung up on me, I of course tried to call her back and then two days later I got a call from her asking to see me and that her parents didn't tell her that I had stopped by to visit.  She talked very fast and then hung up again.  When I came over I could hear her fighting with her parents and her dad answered the door and I got to see her again and found out she had a baby girl.  I talked with her parents for about 20 minutes until she finally came out with her little girl who you could tell she was very proud off.  Afterwards we went back into her bedroom to talk and she started telling me how she has spent time in a mental hospital, she showed me her scares on her wrists from trying to take her own life, how she had I think did a lot of different drugs and lost the guy she loved from a heroin overdose.  She would be happy and the old friend a knew and then start crying and telling me how she felt like she was in a cage and how her Dad won't let her have the car or go anywhere and I was so overwhelmed I didn't really know what to say, I tried to be understanding but finally had to leave because it was getting so late and had a plane to catch, she was crying so much and I told her I promised to keep in contact and she could call me or write me anytime.  When I got home I promised to call her and I did many times but she never called me back so wrote her a letter and sent some photos and she called me and left a message on my voice mail where you could hear how happy she was and she stated she was going to call me back and she never did.  I called and talked with her Dad and he said she was having another down moment.  I have written her letters and have tried calling and finally got ahold of her again and she said she couldn't talk because her little girl was crying; which she was, and said she would call me back in an hour and three days later no call back.  She was and even though we lost touch has always remained my forever best friend and want to be there for her but don't know what to do.  Should I keep calling her, should I keep writing although I get nothing back.  You should have seen her, she was happy then extremely sad and even got into a fight with her dad while I was there.  She asked me to be her little girls God Mother and said she wanted to know if she could leave her with me should anything ever happen and of course I said yes.  I am just really confused and really starting to feel down myself and I'm generally a really happy person and starting to get depressed myself because at one moment feel I need to do something to help her to be her friend and the other part says she is annoyed and wants nothing to do with me because she won't call me back or even write me back.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Answer
Hi . . .

Being a friend to someone who has bipolar disorder can be very difficult. If you can accept that at times she will welcome hearing from you and that at times she will be withdrawn and/or angry and/or depressed, keeping in touch with her makes sense. If you will take her alternating acceptance and rejection of your friendship "personally" maintaining a relationship with her will be difficult or impossible. Only you can determine if you can handle your friends ups and downs.

Best regards . . .
Ivan
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