Expert: Joyce A. Anthony - 11/1/2007

Question
My sister-in-law has untreated bipolar disorder.  She has not been formally diagnosed by a psychologist for this disorder, but was diagnosed with OCD and ADHD as a child and exhibits all of the symptoms of bipolar disorder.  She currently refuses to take any of the medications that were prescribed to her for OCD and ADHD because she feels they make her fat.  I say she has not been formally diagnosed because when we spoke to her doctor about the symptoms she was exhibited he said she sounded bipolar but she refused to see him.  She refuses to see any help as she does not have a "problem" in her words.  Because of her inability to seek treatment we have obtained custody of her son.  Basically, she had been expecting a two year old to care for himself and often put in him in his crib when she didn't want to deal with him and basically just gave him whatever he wanted to make sure he left her alone. We sought legal custody of Jayden and both of his parents signed cutody over to us.  They both have visitation rights but his father has never visited and his mother has not been to see him in six months.  My concern is how can I as the boy's "custodial" parent help him deal with his mother's mental illness so that he can grow to be healthy mentally as an adult.  She often says she is coming to visit and never shows up. She also does not call to say she isn't coming.  She may say I'm coming Wednesday at 6pm and then we don't her from her until a week or month later.  We have minimized this effect to some degree because we tell her she has to tell us when she is coming and not the child.  We just don't tell the child she is coming so he isn't upset when she doesn't show up.  She will sometimes call three or four times a week and then not call at all for a month.  Needless to say her behavior is erractic.  The worst part is she is expecting a second child in a few months.  How can I assure "our son" that his biological mother loves him when she is currently unable to show it in conventional ways and also minimize the effects of the "lies" she tells.  Please help.

Answer
Hi Susan:

You said Jayden is two, correct?  My suggestion would be to return to court and make it a stipulation of visiting that if his mother misses two planned visits, her visitation is suspended.

This may sound cruel, but a two-year-old needs stability.  He will fare much better with no visits than with his hopes being destroyed over and over again.

At his age, he will not be able to comprehend the subject of emotional disorders.  The best you can do is (and you have alreay started) try to eliminate some of the disorder.

I wish you the best of luck.  That little boy is lucky he has you.
              Joyce A. Anthony