Expert: Joyce A. Anthony - 12/7/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hello Ms. Anthony,
I have a 19 year old stepdaughter who my wife and some doctors believe has Bi-polar disorder. I've never considered her personality very nice but when she had her first "episode" a few years back, she turned into one of the nastiest persons I've ever had to associate with. She was extremely rude, disrepectful and belligerent. Along with using unbelievably foul language towards us including wishing that my wife(her mother) and I would die! Even though her mother has a heart of gold and I have never done anything mean to her.
She did get on some type of medication which seem to "stabilize" her but ever since then I've believed that the medication simply helps her control what she says and does even though she still thinks bad things and generally is not a nice person. It gives her the mental contol she needs to hide her true feelings and thoughts.
Do to financial reasons she decided to stop taking the medication and is now back to her nasty personality which I believe is her true personality.
So finally, getting to my question, does bi-polar "make" you say and do bad things towards others? Or is it like a truth serum, where you don't have the control needed to keep things to yourself.

ANSWER: Hi Ed:

It seems your stepdaughter is dealing with something other than bipolar disorder--possibly even just a mean streak.

Bipolar disorder can make it harder to control impulses, which may make some people say what they think, without thinking first.  However, they do know what they are saying and do know it hurts.  Impulses are harder to control without medication, but it is possible.  Bipolar disorder does not make a person lose control.  

That said, your stepdaughter knows exactly what she is saying and doing and has the ability to stop herself if she wishes.  She is simply using her disorder as an excuse to be mean.
         Joyce A. Anthony

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello Ms. Anthony
    Your answer seems to fall in line with my belief about her. But a more direct question is, would you agree that someone who has a warm, kind heart could not possibly say and do such nasty things to others even if they were in an episode of Bi-Polar?

I think a person who has a considerate, unselfish  and compassionate personality would never be so mean towards others, no matter what.

My wife blames most of her negative actions and comments on her illness. So she is willing to take all of the abuse and asks me to take it as well. This is causing enormous stress on our relationship.

I don't believe my wife to be an emotionally weak person and I'm not trying to convince her to not love and care about her daughter. But I have been trying to point out the possibility that her daughter may truly be a "mean spirited" and self centered person. Then maybe she would stand up to her instead of being a doormat.

It takes everything I have to say and do nothing and I don't think I can do it for much longer.

Anyway, thanks for listening......................take care.

Ed


Answer
Hi Ed!

You are correct on this issue.  Let me explain.  My son is bipolar (I will be publishing his story next year).  When he was younger and had less self-control, he would often say nasty things when depressed.  I constantly reinforced the idea that it was okay to feel bad, but that talking like that was not tolerated.  At fourteen, he now does not express himself in that manner.

Your step-daughter feels bad.  She is, however, capable of controlling what she says and does.  Your wife needs to make it clear that she will not tolerate being treated in that manner.  

Your step-daughter CAN control herself; she just chooses not to.
         Joyce A. Anthony