Expert: Libby Bonner - 11/26/2005

Question
My 35 year old son has never held a job for any length of time.  He was hospitalized at age 11 for 1 1/2 years at the Cornell Med. Center in NY. He was never really helped by therapy or medication & is now living in Los Angeles, wants to be an actor, has been there for 10 years & is very depressed because he can't seem to get any acting jobs & he can't hold a job because of his condition. He was approved for free medication because of his inability to work & his condition but he does drugs & sells drugs to get money.  His father (divorced) & I try to help financially so he will at least have food & a place to live, but he keeps sabotaging himself & refuses to let us visit with him to try to help. (I live in Arizona & his father lives in NY.)  He has stopped the medication because he forgot to get next month's supply & I can't seem to reach him to get him to help himself or let us help him. He calls me about every 2 weeks & vents for hours about how unfair the world is  & the people who have hurt him & how he wishes they would all die and what's wrong with him that he can't seem to succeed at anything. He's convinced that medication isn't helping. I've been told to give up & let him handle it himself - he'll change when he reaches the gutter - but I can't do that because I'm sure he will end up dead.  I just lost my husband & am dealing with grief & mourning of my own & it's so hard to take on his problems, too.
I am at a loss & don't want to destroy myself trying to solve everyone's problems because then I'm no use to anyone. Can you give me some advice?

Answer
This is a follow-up to my earlier reply.  IF Cal is giving him free meds because of condition AND "inability to work" he apparently is already receiving Medicaid, probably called Medi-Cal there....but I wonder if he already has been declared disabled.  If so, is he receiving some monthly Cal stipend, and how much, and/or is he receiving Social Security Disability Insurance [SSDI] payments OR might he be able to receive them based on Cal's prior decisions.  Someone would have to make an application for SSDI, and he is likely to get turned down 1st time.  Get an atty for the 2d app and/or appeal.  Benefits will  be awarded - finally - from the date of first app, as a lump, and then monthly.  And Medcicare will follow after a bit.

Again, NAMI will know some of this.  For Cal-specific info, contact either the state office or the office of the city in which he lives.  www.nami.org

************************** original reply follows

I send my sympathy.  

And you have one of the most difficult of mental health problems to deal with, compounded by geography.

This is the best I can offer.  I urge you so strongly to become better acquainted w/ mental illness.  [And don't take advice from any friend or relative who is unacquainted w/ mental illness.]  

Please get a copy of this for yourself; your ex needs one too, perhaps.  Author is Woolis; title is When someone you love has a mental illness.  It is about the day to day of mental illness, about communications, about setting limits.  Your phone calls will be shorter and more helpful to you both if you have this book.  Please BUY it.

Pls also borrow or buy either book by Jack Gorman. The content overlaps a lot; use either or both.  These, unlike Woolis, ARE about symptoms, diagnoses, and treatment.  Caution: tho excellent, both are getting older - there are better, newer drugs for mental illnesses now.  Titles are irrelevan - "Jack Gorman" to my knowledge has written 2 books.  If you can find only one or none, try amazon.com or alibris.com for used out-of-print copies.

If possible, you and your ex-husband need to be in agreement re your son.  You, and he, should each find a near-by NAMI group and start attending.  Learn from those who have been there.  This group, and Woolis, may be your salvation.  www.nami.org

Now you need to consider committment or guardianship.  Either your ex or you need an atty WHO HAS EVER DONE THIS BEFORE to connect w/ an experienced atty in Cal WHO HAS EVER DONE THIS BEFORE.  Cal was in bad shape and cutting benefits to people like your son, but formerly was one of the most generous states and may still be.  I bring this up because it may be in everyone's best interest for him to remain in Cal, for benefits.  Your attorneys can advise how committment or guardianship would work, inter-state.  

It's possible that you could have this control and bring hime back to NY or AZ.  If that should be the decision, he SHOULD NOT LIVE W/ EITHER OF YOU unless one of you has mother-in-law quarters attached to your home.  The folks at NAMI can advise you on this whole matter.

Keep in mind that mental illnesses involve involuntary changes in mood, behavior, and thinking.  You are dealing, at best, w/ someone who is confused and, at worst, irrational.  I will save you years of time:  It is NOT possible to use rational argument to convince or persuade irrational persons.  Save your energy and your breath.

GET WOOLIS and you life will start changing.   ---  You may also find it helpful to get Amador's I am not sick; I don't need help.  It may help you find a way that WILL persuade him.

Good luck.  Keep checking w/ other experts; contact NAMI; get Woolis.  Write again if I can help.