Expert: Libby Bonner - 6/23/2006

Question
My father has bipolar disorder he is currently 57 years of age and was diagnosed about 13-16 years ago.  

I've spoken with his wife, my stepmother, recently and she is at her wqit's end.  He has stopped taking his medication, left his doctor of some time, and is in the depths of a manic stage.  He's not sleeping at a regular pattern, he is erratic, spending  money without thinking of consequences, taking the family car and staying out all day and evening.  They are currently not speaking due to an incident involving her daughter and my father and a vicious argument over not being bought a souvenir t-shirt from her recent honeymoon in Las Vegas.  

I live with my wife and two small children (2yrs and 7 mos.) in a rural English city in the UK.  I'm American and my wife and Children are british. As a consequence of all the above   happening in the US, my Dad (bipolar disorder) wants to come and visit my family and I in the UK.  I feel that this is unsafe if he is not taking his medication and he is not acting in a rational manner.  I'm also concerned for his safety on the flight, if it is a good idea for hime to fly,  in the airport and supervising him here in the UK as we don't have room to put him up at my family home.  

I'm not sure how to approach this matter with him and verify that he is taking his medication and feeling more rational. What can you suggest?

Answer
PS -  It's possible the state they live in permits assisted outpatient treatment - see www.psychlaws.org   OR wife or doctor may successfully get him committed for treatment...  See atty.
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Your dad, at this point, doubtless imagines he will not even need an actual plane to fly abroad.  WHEEEE!

Telling a manic he cannot visit is useless.  I would tell hime that you all will be on holiday indefintely -- and then, if possible, I would cease answering whatever phone he might call.....whatever you need to do - get a second private line, use only a cell, whatever - to appear to be unreachable.   Don't worry that your story is credible or not; he will barely be listening.

He is so unstable that it is doubtful he could get on a flight, what w/ security, etc.

Your stepmother needs to get an atty ASAP about seeing to what extent she can protect assets.  THis is also no time not to be speaking to him, or to be opposing him in any overt way - could be dangerous.  She should be prepared to call 911 anytime.

Beg her to get a copy of a book by Woolis called When someone you love has a mental illness.  Big help when communicating w/ the irrational....help w/ setting limits, being safe, feeling less helpless.

She should also go to the first available NAMI affiliate meeting in her area.   www.nami.org

He is, not to put to fine a point on it, nutty as a fruitcake right now - all bets are off; she should not bother to judge him, because 'he' left the bldg some time ago.  Out all night, etc., par for the course.  It's an awful postition for family to be in....

BAck to your situation.  Make up any story that works - you and family have separated - you are going mtn climbing - have taken a job in Transylvania - family dead in plague....whatever.  He is not going to come near you, I hope.

Write again, or have his wife write.  NAMI, NAMI, NAMI.