Expert: Libby Bonner - 2/26/2007

Question
My partner of 8 years went on a work trip, and didn't call (which was very unlike him) I contacted him and he was about to go to bed at PM saying he was exhausted and lost. On his return he had very confused thoughts all which seemed to be directed at me for losing his sense of self. He left and contacted me to say he didn't think he could do this anymore. That was early November. He has secretly been seeing another woman, not going to work, and spent over $35k. He is lying & manipulating everyone and creating hell for me. He doesn't want to move on with a separation. How long can his mania last? He is unmedicated. Noone seems to want to do anything. He is a doctor himself. Please help. I think he will kill himself when he comes out of this. He has a history of self mutilation and depression.He is 33yo and is not diagnosed, but had another episode almost the same 6 years ago. He then moved into my apartment complex and became part of my life again. It has been 3 months I am paying all the bills and he just wants to escalate a legal battle he cant afford to win to prove that he is right and I am wrong. He is lying to his lawyer and having letters sent to me with information that I can prove is incorrect. I need to know how to handle this. Should I just wait the mania out to resolve the settlement? There seems no point in trying to work out a settlement with someone who just wants to be angry.  

Answer
I am confused a bit.  Your are married to him?  And...."he doesn't want to move on w/ a separation." A legal separation?.....are you living together now?  And how does the settlement play into this?

To go to your questions.  Is he in solo practice,that he 'doesn't go in to work?"  Because my first thoughts on making him get treatment were: what about his partners?  What about your state's Medical Board.  [Among other things, he shouldn't be trying to work or be treating pts right now.  And, by the way, what is his speciality?]  Or another recourse is contacting any hospital where he has privileges.  Local/county medical society??

IF you were to blow those whistles, though, you would need to be in a safe place until after he is hospitalized, discharged, and stable....and no longer blaming you.

To the exent you still can, you should be trying to protect assets.  He will spend way more money that either of you has if this continues.

How long can it go on?  Until he cycles out of it or until he is medicated adequately and stays on meds.

Others, and perhaps you as well, need to understand that he is not lying or manipulating or "want[ing] to be angry."  He is very very sick, and his behavior makes absolute sense to him, viewed through the very distorted lens that is his mind, at this time.  Mental illnesses are characterized by disordered thoughts, moods, and behavior....SO language, negative emotions, "lying," are all illness symptoms and NOT chosen behavior.     [His brain chemistry has gone awry.]  ---- One of the other reasons not to be working out a settlement now is that I doubt he is legally competent, and so you might end up w/ an invalid document.

Pls go to www.psychlaws.org to see what your state permits in the way of involuntary treatment.  Do please also get the book, and see that your atty has a copy, of:  author, Amador; title, I am not sick; I don't need help.  This is the ONLY book that I know of that will outline the possible actions that you, or someone, has available.  IF you are not married, I'm not sure who the person is who could ask a court for a committment order.  Unfortunately, in most states, mentally ill adults can behave in any way whatsoever, w/o interventions, until they land in jail or in a hospital.

Here is the other 'rule' about getting someone committed and/or hospitalized:  they must be a danger to themselves or others.  

Has he ever had a diagnosis of bipolar?  Of depression?  Of self-mutilating?  If any of this is documented, it would help you in any effort to get treatment, or to get court cooperation.

Last piece of advice.  Don't argue w/ him about anything. Think of him as a violent person holding a gun, and speak as you would in that situation; never, never incite him. Try not to be alone w/ him.  Think about safety and have - seriously - a plan in place for fleeing: a key and some money hidden outside your apartment.  Don't get trapped inside w/ him, nor let him feel trapped there - both of you need a clear route to an exit anytime he IS there.

If you can get to a local NAMI support group, that's your next best move, after getting the Amador book.  www.nami.org  If your local NAMI does not have a support group, drive to somewhere that does - it will be well worth the inconvenience.  People there will have come through what you are going through now, and will have valuable local advice about courts, doctors, the mental health system.

Pls write me again soon.  Usually, my answers are better organized, but I have a lot of factual gaps in what I know about your situation, so I'm afraid I have given you a patchwork quilt...in the hope that some/most applies and will be helpful.