Expert: Libby Bonner - 2/20/2006

Question
40 yrs old , 34 diagnosed
How do you handle it when your bipolar spouse is always, always accusing you of everything.  He can go from being wonderful one minute and in 30 minutes he is ready to kill me?  My husband has said that when he gets angry with me, he actually feels fury.  Most of the time he is angry over things that seem so small and insignificant.  He has his own distorted beliefs about me, and will hold on to them even though they are all lies(such as I am not attracted to him).  

There is nothing I can say or do to convince him otherwise.  He is hypercritical, belligerent, loud, and always seem to be waiting for something to be pissed off about.  His major fear is being abandoned.  I have explained to him hundreds of times, when you curse at me(anytime, place any reason), I do not want to be in this type of relationship.  He is mad 90% of the time, and nice about 5% and waiting for a reason to go ballistic the other 5%.  I have cried myself to sleep so many nights.  I feel like crap, because he cannot see that I do not initiate the fights or arguments.  I care about him, but everyday that he treats me cruel, I want to leave.  I moved 1000 miles to be with him so he could go to college. I left everything behind, family, friends, great job, including my high school daughter, sold my home, etc.  to be by his side. He does not see it as a big deal now.  Because he moved too. But moving this far was not my idea.  It was his dream.

The time we dated he was sweeter than a honey.  Now, I can barely get through two days without his anger and sarcasm.  Please give me advice.  I am now taking medication because of all the anxiety of waiting for him to explode. My son (8yrs old) moved with me and has seen him treat me like crap.  He has also seen me cry so much that he even wants to deal with him.  His bipolar was supposed have been brought on because he found his wife of almost 20 years in bed with another man.  He had a break down and attempted suicide.  I figure someone like that would understand the pain of cheating and would never cheat on me, however, I was wrong.  He did once.  I never got help in dealing with what happened because I moved.  So on top of the infidelity I have to deal with being treated worse than an animal.  Part of me thinks he wants self fulfilling prophecy of being abandoned by treating me so bad.  He claims he doesn't know he is doing it, yet I am always hurt, in pain, crying in the corner and begging him to be nice to me consistently.  

How can someone love you and treat you worse than they ever treated anyone in their entire life?  His buddy of 20 years cheated him out of more than $30,000 and he has not told him how he feels, but if I fall asleep in the living room he goes out of his mind.  How come I get all the anger directed at me, yet he cannot say a bad word about his ex or exbest buddy?   I want to leave if he is doing all this intentionally.  If he isn't I will once try to deal with him and his disorder.  I don't have that much love for him that I will continue to be treated like an unwanted animal while he still has respect for people who have intentionally done him harm.  He takes lithium from what he says, I cannot believe anything he says though.   When he sees his psychiatrist he never tells him the whole story just the part about how I always complain about him and always put him down, when I am only telling him how painful his behaviors make me feel. Please help.  

Answer
Brenda.  I am so sorry.  

Your husband is super-sick - and surely not employed, or is he still in school and somehow not kicked out yet?  

No, he is not doing any of this intentionally and probably the sweet honey is the real him.  HOWEVER, he is either not taking his medicine [and I hope he is prescribed more than lithium] or he needs other meds added to it, if none others are currently prescribed.  THEN, he has to actually take them.  It will still take awhile for the right dose, right meds to be determined and also some time - if he takes the right meds faithfully - for his poor wobbly brain to get at least sort of back to normal.

[It is also not unlikely that he is able to pull it together at the doc's and the doc knows little of the constantly abusive behavior.]

How much of the sweet guy will be found at the point where he takes the right meds faithfully is hard to predict.

Something to give up right this very minute:  assuming that your rational talk can change his irrational behavior.  None of this is about you, though it feels like it.  It is his brain chemicals way messed up SO THAT he does believe the wild and crazy stuff he says.  -- Sorry to say that increased sex drive is common w/ bipolar mania and hypomania; that is likely what caused the "infidelity."  And may again.  You simply cannot have normal expectations for a person experiencing delusions, etc.

TODAY or TOMORROW, go buy the book by Woolis called When someone you love has a mental illness.  Your communications w/ him will improve and you WILL feel less powerless.

Write the psychiatrist exactly what you have written me, or shorten only to what his behavior is like currently and be sure to note that there is a child involved.  You can try calling, but husband has almost certainly not signed a Release of Information, so it's even possible that the office will not acknowledge that he is a patient.  Send the info anyway.

IF you think you want to stick around, locate a NAMI chapter www.nami.org and attend meetings; more importantly, take their free 12-week class Family to Family at your earliest opportunity.

I am surprised that you have not already experienced very dangerous violence.  You must NOT provoke him in any way or mock him or deride him.  The Woolis book discusses dangerousness.  It also discusses setting limits, but my guess is that he is way too sick to try that - probably would provoke him and endanger you.

If you feel you must leave, you must be able to do it safely.  There are restraining orders, but they don't work well and aren't issued, anyway, when the two people live together.   I wish I could tell you of a safe way to leave.  Certainly, you are not going to announce it in advance.  Enlist anyone's help to raise the money to leave, and then go sometime when he is out.  [If you are going 'back home' and he has the means to follow, you are still in danger.  Leaving ups the danger level, probably, OR he might get so sick that he might need to be hospitalized where he and you now live...  Hard to say.]

You do need an attorney tho for many reasons. You need to untangle any joint fiances....he is going to go on spending and spending, and they are your joint debts.  IF you are the owner of the housing where you live, the sole owner, you are going to need more legal help.  I can't see any good outcome if you change the locks and stay where you are.  Discuss safety thoroughly w/ your atty, or even w/ the police or sheriff.

IF you are fortunate enough to live in a state that permits "assisted out-patient treatment" you might be able to get him into treatment thay way, but I still see terrible dangers for you.  [See www.psychlaws.org]  I'm thinking that your best advice, besides the atty, may come from someone who works at any battered women's agency.  Yes, definitely, that would be where I would stop on my way home from buying the Woolis book.

And once you have identified a NAMI affiliate, call them and ask if there is any family member w/ whom you can speak very soon; don't wait for a meeting.  If they run a support group for families, you want the facilitator of that group to call you.

[IF he is still in school, it's possible that his major professor, or the Dean of Students, or the Student Health Service could help somehow.]  Look also in the phone book for crisis phone lines; keep the number with you all the time; don't hesitate to call 999; keep a set of car keys hidden outside the house along a/ a phone calling card....and don't accidentally trap him in the house, or yourself.....anytime you two interact, you both need a straight route out the door.  Don't grab him vor any reason.

Now is the time to summon all the help from your former life that you can.  And you need to plan for counseling for your son after things quiet down, or after you are gone and safe, or whatever.

Pls pls set about getting local help and local information.  Plan and think.  Muster past friends to help, even your ex if necessary.  I got very, very good sympathetic help from mine when I was in your shoes.

I wish you good luck.  Get Woolis, and try to bring down the emotional tempurature in your home.  He is talking drivel but he has NO way to know or understand that, and it is NOT about you, even though you are probably the main subject.