Expert: Libby Bonner - 2/28/2007

Question
Thank you SO much for your answer, I bought the Woolis book.  The house is his.  After the Christmas incident, he said that he would only show up if my husband was here here, and would send third-party workers to get the work done.  He even gave us his key to the house (he might have others, of course), and offered to get the locks changed and not receive a new key.  I'm wondering if we just ought to go do that on our own dime.  Should we inform him or not?  My biggest concern is that he gets delusional or what have you, and shows up unannounced during the day.  When he was here all the time doing work before the Christmas incident, he was all into reincarnation, and reading books about it, etc.  Is this worrisome?  (I do have the name and number of the doctor that is treating him, as he left his scripts here in December and I wrote it down)

Thanks again.  I really, really appreciate it!
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
I am writing with concern about our landlord.  He is Bipolar and on Sertraline and Depakote.  He has definate swings.  When he is manic he is here fixing things, talking a mile a minute, etc, but then he'll go the other way, leave projects half finished, stay in bed, not answer his phone, etc.  He has a degree in accountancy from Fordham, but can't seem to hold a menial job. Lives with his mother. He has always been a bit odd, but very friendly and helpful.
However, when we came home from Christmas vacation, we found him living in our house!  He had a fight with his mother, and hid out at our house, and wasn't expecting us home.  He apologized profusely, seemed lucid.  However now we are really worried about our families safety.  A couple of things have happened that needed repair in the house, and he has seemed irritable. Should we be concerned?  He has no history of violence. I'd value your opinion on this ASAP.
-----Answer-----
PS - The other point of #1, below, is not clear.  Having notice that he will come, and when, permits you decide to be home, or not, when he is there depending on which seems more appropriate at any given time.  If he will be notifying you, perhaps you can even negotiate the time [so that you will/won't be home.]

Glad you have written.  You are right to be concerned though - I hope - not alarmed.

1.  Find out what a tenant's rights are in your city/county/state.  It may be that he cannot come into your home, even for repairs, w/o notice, perhaps even 24 hr notice.  If there are any protections like this, I would make sure they are exercised.  And see 3, below.

2.  There is a book that you must get at once.  Author is Woolis, title is When someone you love has a mental illness.  It is about daily interactions w/ persons w/ mental illnesses, effective communications, safety, etc.  
You will learn how to interact when he is irritable so as to remain in control and help him remain in control....and you will either feel much better about remaining [probably] as his tenants, or possibly feel that moving is a must!  But the book is the single most helpful thing you could possibly have.  Don't get at library:  buy it.

The book would make you a pretty good judge on how things stood w/ him, at any given time, and let you know when you might want to remember Woolis and monitor your speech carefully, or even when it would be a good idea to remove yourselves from the house.    Talking a mile a minute AND being irritable would be a combination that would cause me to exit.

3. I would not want children, esp teenagers, there alone when he is there.  No telling what harmless thing they might say that might sound different to him and alarm or anger him.  You will not, because you will have the Woolis book in hand.

4. Depending on how much he values you as tenants and/or how mcuh you value your current residence, you could - if all else fails - see if an agreement can be reached whereby someone else does repairs.  I suspect the law may allow him an annual inspection [?] - but that could be arranged and finessed.    -- I am also wondering whose house this is: his, or his mother's, hence, who is the repsonsible party?  Maybe the thing about who will do repairs is a discussion to have w/ the mother?

General info on mental illnesses/bipolar.  They are chronic illnesses that can relapse and remit.  Even a patient very stable on meds and taking them faithfully can and do, regularly, experience points of less stability, at which time it is usual to adjust meds and/or doses.  There is also always the possibility that the meds are being taken less than faithfully, in which case you might see new behavior, for instance, irritability.

I would guess that the danger here is pretty low and will drop lower still w/ the help of Woolis.

Thanks for writing.

Answer
If he is quite willing to be without a key, I would certainly go ahead w/ it.  And you do want to be the ones to order the work [could be a tricky deal w/ the locksmith, the tenants wanting to change the lock; may have to do a joint thing w/ landlord, or give locksmith his contact info...no personal stuff] so that you have absolute control of all keys.  What about a keypad thing, where you could even change the original setting,in case he and the locksmith are buddies?

There are other issues.  He might be less agreeable when you bring it up again, or even resist.  Or, at a time when he is less well, he might try to gain entry anyway.   However, he has demonstrated goodwill about this so far, and seems to understand that your concerns are justified....so we can hope that will continue.

With Woolis in hand, I would proceed, maybe even drawing up a simple, equitable document that fully and clearly shows that he is, indeed, the landlord and that you are the tenants.....and spells out the agreement that HE proposed in the past.  As to cost:  offer to let him pay for it, but don't expect it, and be gracious if it turns out that you are paying.

The reincarnation stuff is not a real worry. Strong religiousity is fairly typical among a small portion of those w/ all mental illnesses.  Just say "Um" if a reply is absolutely required and otherwise just let him talk, w/o paying too much attention to it and w/o encouraging dialogue.

If you should ever have a real concern about his health and safety, do write or call the doctor's office.  Privacy will prevent them talking WITH you, or perhaps even acknowledging that he is their pt.  So, if you cannot leave a phone message, just detailing the behavior you observed, but it into a brief letter...which WILL be read and will become a part of his medical record.