Expert: Joyce A. Anthony - 11/18/2007

Question
Hi, I have been married for 7 years to a man who is bipolar.  He has had 2 previous major episodes that I know about.  He has been well for about 10 years, but not on medication so his behaviour has been erratic at times but not until the last 2 months has he had another full blown manic episode.  We have four children under 7.  When he became unwell about 6 months ago initially he did get on medication and go to hospital for a couple of days.  Then he left, ditched the medication and came home and became increasingly aggressive towards me and the children.  Very delusional and paranoid about me and my family.  Eventually I had to get a violence order and have him removed from the home as I was scared for my safety and that of the children.  I also thought it might "shock" him into seeing that he was sick.  I was wrong, he left home and has spent about $200,000.00, got tattoos all over him, piercings, got involved with a woman he met at a crematorium, bought cars, motorbikes etc.  We are now in court so I can protect the few assets that we still have.  He is in total denial despite being ordered by the court to have a psych assessment.  He still seems delusional and paranoid although he can present well when he has to.  Eg. managed to convince the bank to let him take $10,000.00 out of an account he is not authorised to withdraw money from.  I just want to help my husband but he is slipping further away into "madness".  He was a loving family man and his whole personality has changed.  What can I do?  I have tried everything but nothing has worked.  Will he go into depression soon?  Do bipolar people feel remorse for what they have done/what they have destroyed.  It is a terrible time for me and the kids but I think that I have to choose between them and him.  If children have a genetic predisposition to bipolar is it better for them to grow up in an environment where there is not an unmedicated bipolar parent?  I want the kids to have a relationship with their dad but not if it is going to affect them badly. When he does see them he lies to them and they get very confused.  Please help

Answer
Hi Siobhan:

There are several questions here.  Let me see if I can answer them all for you.

First, you can not make a person admit they have a problem unless they want to see it.  Being in a manic state at the moment, your husband is not thinking rationally and will not listen.  This stage will end, and then maybe you can talk with him.

Yes, bipolar people do feel remorse for the things they do while manic or depressed.  Your husband will realize what has happened, but that won't occur until after  he has passed through this manic stage and stabilized once again. Unfortunately, there is no way to predict just how long a manic stage will last.

You are not choosing between your children and your husband, you are choosing what is safe for the children right now.  Once your husband is no longer manic, then maybe you two can work something out.

What I would suggest for now is you go to court and request supervised visits between your kids and their dad until a time when he is again stable.  Being unmedicated does not make him a danger to you or the kids--the psychotic notions while he is manic may.  

I can not answer the question about the kids growing up with an unmedicated parent.  There is every chance he can be a kind and loving parent when stable.  What concerns me is he seems to be unstable at the moment.  I would make getting on medication and staying on it a condition of him returning home.  Another episode may not occur for years--but it is also possible that these episodes could occur regularly.Having a predisposition for being bipolar will not be affected by having or not having an unmedicated parent around.  

I hope I have answered your questions.  Please feel free to write again should you have more.
                 Joyce A. Anthony