Expert: Libby Bonner - 2/27/2007

Question
Hi Libby,
Thank you for your response regarding my current circumstances. Your advice was incredibly valuable - thank you. My question was a bit like a patchwork quilt, it is so hard to describe these situations in detail and accurately. I am actually based in Australia, and we were in a defacto relationship.
My x spouse has not been diagnosed with bp, my doctor seemed to think with his past episodes and current behavior there was little doubt. I have little doubt of this - I never saw the patterns the first time this happened - I did this time. The same words, he went to the same people,and is doing the same things.
I don't think there is a doctors record of the self mutilation - his family are certainly aware of it, and also his past behavior.
They just thought he grew out of it, and as he is so secretive in these episodes it is quite hard for them to know what is going on.
In terms of his work, he works as a prominent researcher in the research environment (with drugs, alcohol, prison, mental health, public health) He does have access to many different facilities including hospitals and drug and alcohol centers, injecting rooms etc. I imagine that he has told his boss that he is working from home, when he is actually interstate.
When he is home, he works ridiculous hours to try to get work done (ie 20hs) He is telling everyone his work is just crazy at the moment and he is doing the work of 3 people - so people think he is just a bit stressed.
He left our house in early November and then moved out his stuff (and a fair bit of mine) in early December. So we are not living together at the moment. I also moved into my parents place as he was intimidating towards my parents (who he has always loved) and I felt safer in their place than by myself. I am trying to sort out a legal settlement as he is not paying any bills (inc mortgage), and my business money is locked due to all this at present, in fact, he is trying to claim a share in my business money. (I have supported him while he did a phd, and he has been working just under 2 years now!)
He seems to want to drag the whole thing out, and he is being very vindictive, getting his lawyer to write letters (that don't try to resolve anything) but portray me in very poor light. (I can disprove every one of them backed up by evidence) Last time this happened, it was around the same time of year, so I am hoping it may have a seasonal influence, and in Australia we have just had the last day of summer.
Legally - I cant protect myself. I can go through the system, however it seems pointless at the moment as he wouldn't agree to anything anyway. He has told his parents that he is prepared to pay 15k in legal fees, as he is handling this and he will not let it affect his health.
He doesn't have 15k to spend, I think he is counting on getting my business money. (This will not happen as it has client and tax liabilities on it)His credit is running low, and he has just returned to his home town after three weeks away - he went straight to the medical center. In the early days of this episode, he was going to pharmacies sometimes 3 times a week, and he has been to about half a dozen doctors surgeries around the country including a hospital. As he is not going to a small practice in his home suburb - it is busy and not too personal. I don't think anyone would believe me if I tried to contact a doctor, or his boss - he has portrayed me in extremely poor light to all, and normally he is so credible.
I have ordered a copy of the book that you suggested, and I will ready it v.soon. I have been reading many depression and bp articles, and books to get an understanding of this illness.
Involuntary medical examination orders can be done, but lodging at a court, having two other parties back things up, and then having a relevant profession look at your claims...to be honest...I don't hold out a lot of hope here either. He will appear quite normal, and he is clever enough to argue out of anything. Last time this all happened, and prior to giving it a second try, we went to counseling. By the end of that, the psychologist was convinced that I was the one with the problem.
He is not aware that I have access to all the information that I do, and he is certainly not aware that I know what he is doing. No-one else does. Soon, I am going to show his parents in the hope that they realize how serious this is, of course the moment that happens I expect I will lose that information, and he will get angrier and direct it towards me. Its ironic, all this anger towards me, and he took so many "sentimental" things from the house, and things of mine, and has moved into the street (about 50mts from) that we last lived in together..he told people he had a hard time finding a place! I am expecting that he will after he drops into depression he will start to come back into my life. (We have not spoken since he called to say he could not do this anymore, only about half a dozen emails) Last time when he moved into the apartment complex, he watched me, listened to my conversations, but I never felt threatened - more sad. His friends had given up on him, and I got this feeling he just wanted to be close to me, I didn't ever think that he would hurt me.
I saw how desperate he was last time he went into depression, and this time his actions are 100 fold worse.
I dont hold out a lot of hope of his parents forcing him to see a pdoc, I think the most likely option is that he will crash hard.
Anyway, I hope this gives you more information - I really do appreciate any advice that you can give me. Thank you for volunteering your time, and helping so many people.  

Answer
PS - and thanks for your most recent rating.  I woke up in the night and realized how you would 'lose' your valuable info: by telling his parents, you tell him.  I don't understand why you plan this.....if this is info that will support your version, and has facts that he does not know you have....  Don't you have assets and a business to protect?   And -- it seems to me now - he has a lawyer but you do not?   Goodness!!  Think again about all of this.  Do what you need to do to get the money to hire an atty.....  Or perhaps s/he will work for a percentage of the settlement, and you would have to pay nothing at all????

Thanks for the additional info, but I think I am on overload now! and maybe more confused.

Here is the one thing that struck me, and worried me:  "He is not aware that I have access to all the information that I do, and he is certainly not aware that I know what he is doing. No-one else does. Soon, I am going to show his parents in the hope that they realize how serious this is, of course the moment that happens I expect I will lose that information."

How will you lose that information, or were you joking and invoking Murphy's Law?  Assuming you are serious, you certainly need and I assume, have, duplicates of everything?   -- I'm wondering, too, if an accountant can help here, more than an atty??

And I continue to doubt that any settlement can be reached w/ one party completely irrational.

It would seem that the medical issues need to be addressed first?  and that probably only his parents could/would/should try for involuntary med exam?  I think this will all have to crash before it can be sorted.

Sorry that I didn't realize you were not US....the website and the book may be of little value to you.

Very glad you are with your parents.  Stay wary.