Expert: Jurriaan Plesman, Nutritional Psychotherapist - 4/9/2007

Question
Hi Jurriaan,

I need help understanding things about my girlfriend who took her life
just a month and a half ago.  She's never been professionally diagnosed
with anything but I had no clue of mental illness and just wrote it off
as "Heather being Heather".

We met in October and upon first glance she was a wonderful, charming,
outgoing
girl named Heather who was originally from Thailand.  After the first
couple of dates I learned about her childhood.
Her childhood was horrible!  She had an alcoholic
father who beat her and eventually, her and her two
younger sisters were placed in an orphanage.  They
came to the States when she was 12 and were adopted by
an American family.  They gave her a more safer
environment but I don't think they truly knew the help
that she really needed.

I need help understanding this a little more though because for the
past 5 months I've been confused beyond belief.  Her and I got involved
and within a month
of the relationship I saw some 'red' flags.  Some of
them were the following:  she was engaged to one and involved with 2
other guys (not at the same time but one after the other, after the
other, after the other, then me) pretty seriously all in the past 6
months, she had a car that had been impounded but it
was never a priority to get her vehicle back, she was
always late on paying rent and on the verge of being
evicted, she put all her emphasis on me which really
disturbed me, and I just didn't see many goals or
ambitions.

I always felt uneasy continuing the relationship but I
felt if she could turn that corner then our
relationship would be unbelievable because of how great she treated me!  
She never used
me, or asked me for money, and always tried to prove
her worth to me.  She almost worshipped and idolized
me.  Although at times she'd swing into a dark mood
and say stuff like "I hate myself" and "I'm not good
enough for you".  It really upset me because I wanted
her to know that I didn't see that...what I did see
was a beautiful girl that needed to grow up and look
at herself in a positive light and believe in herself.
I gave it some time to see if things would change.

When February rolled around our relationship took
another turn.  Suddenly, talks of breaking up were
becoming more frequent and most of it was because I
have personal goals of moving to Florida in the
summer and she didn't know how to handle that.  Although, those are my
personal goals she
failed to see the TRUE obstacle in our relationship:
I didn't understand her and her way of accepting
responsibility combined with her low confidence, which
created negativity, went against everything I want.

The weekend after Valentines Day we went down to New
Orleans for Mardi Gras and two of my female friends
from Ohio (where I'm from) flew in and joined us.  I was hoping that
Heather would like them and learn more about me and bond with my
friends.  I
was also very interested to see how my friends would
react to Heather.  Well, she threw a huge temper
tantrum that night!  Completely went from happy to
possessively pissed.  And she said it was because she
realized that we wouldn't work.  But all that evening
she behaved that way and showed resentment towards my two
other friends which really angered me.  My girlfriend
is supposed to be a reflection of me and this was not
something I was proud of.  I decided that when we
returned home on Sunday I'd break it off with her
because it was clearly obvious her priorities and
juggling her focus on me was creating undue stress.  And it was driving
me nuts!

That Sunday ride home we had a talk and I said that we
need to step back in our relationship.  I didn't want
to break up but back off the intensity.  She took it
as breaking up.  And she also had this mentality that
once breaking up, their is no talking to that person
again.  I told her I would always be around as a
friend if she chose to utilize me as that.  She was
rather calm and collected when we had our talk in the
car.  One thing she mentioned to me was if I'd be
willing to take Tommy (her cat which was essentially
her 'life') if she ever moved away.  I thought it was
a rather odd question but didn't think anything of it.
And I told her yes.  When I got to her place she got
very emotional and started crying.  She told me "this
was a test" to see if I'd stay by her side and that I
was completely walking out on her.  I told her that we
can't continue like this and she has other things she
should focus on....and I'm sticking by my decision.
She called me later that night and again was very calm
and collected.  She was saying well I guess this is it
and its goodbye forever.  It really hurt me that it
went from backing up to breaking up to we can't ever
talk again.  My frustrations were high and even though
I didn't want to break up, I wanted her to answer my
decision by taking initiative to improve her
self-esteem....and hopefully in the long run of having
a rewarding relationship with her!

She answered me by hanging herself.

And now I'm left behind trying to understand all that
I can about suicide, personality disorders, and why this happened.  She
wrote to me saying she loved
me in her suicide note and that I brought her more happiness then
anyone.
She also willed her cat to me.  I couldn't take him.
I just felt the 24/7 reminder would not be the best
thing emotionally for me.

Jurriaan, how do I understand something like this?  I want
to believe this girl loved me.  She had tons of
problems and I really think she felt ashamed of the
way she lived her life and it became apparent when she
met me.  She wasn't a monster and wouldn't hurt
anyone.  But she would, obviously, hurt herself.  Help
me understand this.  I apologize for the long email.

Thank You and God Bless,

Matt


Answer
Hi Matt,
This must have been dreadful to you and we the first thing we need to do is to dispel any idea you may have been he cause of her suicide.

There is no doubt in my mind that your GF was depressed. But I see depression not so much as a "mental disease" as a physical disease. Her father was an alcoholic and that indicates to me that there was a strong genetic predisposition to depression, because she probably suffered from the same illness that her father suffered from.

Most alcoholics AND depressed people suffer from hypoglycemia, which is a sugar handling problem. This disease is not generally recognized by conventional doctors and psychologists, one reason for which we created the Hypoglycemic Association of Australia. Hypoglycemia in your GF could have been confirmed with a proper medical test and could have been treated as described at our web site at:

Medical Test for Hypoglycemia at:
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/testing_hypoglycemia.html

People with hypoglycemia have problems absorbing and metabolizing sugar and converting this to biological energy called ATP. This energy is required for the body to manufcature the feel good neurotransmitters such as serotonin. Serotonin is produced from tryptophan- an amino acid found in food.

Without that energy the brain will trigger the release of stress hormones - such as adrenaline - in order to raise blood sugar levels and feed the brain again with energy. The brain is entirely dependent on energy (sugar) for it to survive.

Thus your GF could have been depressed since her childhood. Being bombarded with uncontrollable stress hormone such as adrenaline, this would have inevitably affected her self-image, because she would not have been in control of her emotions.

If you want to understand how depression develops and how it is treated by nutritional psychologists like myself, please read article at our web site.

Please read:

What is Hypoglycemia? at
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/what_is_hypo.html

The Serotonin Connection at
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/serotonin_connection.html

Depression is a Nutritional Disorder at:
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/depression_disorder.html

Depression: a Disease of Energy Production at:
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/depression_energy.html

Also read:

[b][url=http://forums.delphiforums.com/clinutrition/messages?msg=184.1]Assumptions in Psychotherapy[/url][/b]

Please let me know whether this has helped you understanding what causes depression. I hate the idea that you feel you are the cause of her suicide. You are not!!!! Please let me know.

_________________________________
Jurriaan Plesman, BA(Psych), Post Grad Dip Clin Nutr
Editor: HYPOGLYCEMIC HEALTH ASSOCIATION OF AUSTRALIA at
www.hypoglycemia.asn.au
Author: “Getting off the Hook” at
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