Expert: Joyce A. Anthony - 9/10/2007

Question
Hi, I am hoping to get some help in this case.  It is a long story so I am going to do my very best to be brief and give the more worrisome issues first.
I have been friends with Tina*(not real name) since childhood, we are now in our 30's.  There have always been some odd things about Tina*, such as always having to be the one who is in control. If she gets upset she has threatened to do mean things, such as leaving us during a trip b/c we wouldn't go get a pizza with her.  We ended up getting a security guard to help us.  These events are not from childhood but the last several years.
She has been diagnosed with bipolar and a personality disorder(I believe there are 2 others that she fell under the category in the DSM book.  She has seen multiple counselors and psychiatrists.  She has been on many different combinations of medications to help her, which they did somewhat but she still was extremely controlling getting upset over issues that are minor.  
The sad thing is that I was one of her only friends that stuck by her through many tough times.  I was the friend that always tried to include her many plans I had with my other friends, although I honestly can not think of one who really wants her around.
Now for my reason for emailing you. Two years ago Tina* started dating a man with two daughters ages 8 and 10(at the time). This man she was dating has been a friend of my family for many years, so we also know him well.  At first it seemed like she was handling things fine, for about 3-4 months or so. The stories I was told about his ex were horrible, they said she was a terrible mother and would not hide the animosity they had for the girls mother even when they were there.  Still I stood by her side and tried to give her advice, I have 3 of my own children. Over time his daughters became extremely close with my children.  the two younger girls are best friends.  Well Tina* thought it was great to send the girls here so her and her new boyfriend could have alone time.  That all changed when the girls began to show their affection and love for our family openly.  They talked about us and how much fun they had while at our home.  I also allowed my children to go to their dads and Tina's house after so the girls could spend time together. Tins began saying some mean things about our family, telling them we are not perfect so quit talking like we were. The girls began expressing and voicing some concerning events that went on while on visitation with their father and Tina.  Tina actually admitted to me how much the older daughter bothered her because she acted like her dad was her boyfriend, always worrying about his feelings.  Well it came to the point that Tina's jealousy, which she had actually admitted at an earlier time, caused her to keep the girls from coming here while they were at their house. I tried to reason with her and she claimed it was so their dad could see them more, which would be fine except for the fact that he has actually told me he likes the kids coming here knowing they are being taken care of.  So the girls started calling from their moms home to ask if they could come up.
That is how I learned that their mom was not at all like I had been told.  In the beginning we kept our conversations short and to the point but over time we became closer.  We were hearing from other parents some of the treatment that the girls were getting yelled at more than needed and a few other scary issues.  It was like the jealousy was getting out of hand and she was beginning to act as if she were the mom and constantly did things just to spite their mom.
Then in June of 2006 while laid up in bed due to a flu bug, I keep hearing both my cell and landline phone ringing over and over.  I checked the caller ID and saw it was her and figured I would call her back later.  Then I get a call from my husbands work phone(for work purposes only) so I figured it must be important so I got it.  He told me that the crazy b-word called to find out if I knew where their mother had taken them b/c the older daughter had a softball game.  I called her and told her that the older daughter didn't feel like playing due to it being almost 100 degrees out.  She began going "crazy", yelling at me telling me that if I didn't stop talking to their mom or allowing the kids to come up during her time, we would not be allowed to have them down when they had them and we would not be friends anymore unless I did that.  She also stated my kids would not be able to go to their house either.  Well being strong willed myself I refused and explained that nobody had the right to tell me who I can and can't talk to.  So we didn't talk for about 7 months and the real mother and I became friends and discussed some of the concerns she had. I know, you're probably wondering where the dad is during this, well he is super passive and found it easier to just let Tina get away with acting poorly.  Whenever he confronts her she screams and cryst and locks herself in her room, this was told to me by dad himself and his girls.  At one point we had a extensive conversation and he admitted how bad it was.  At this time I am not talking to either of them due to Tina's and I having another falling out when she asked for an opinion about keeping them in their rooms unless they are invited out or to eat or go potty.  
She has also told the girls that they are NOT to talk to me or my husband about any of this.  She has actually went behind dads back and manipulated them by playing mind games.  She has told them that anything they say at our house will be told to her b/c I tell her everything(untrue)
I am going to try to get to the point now, its just so much that has been told.
I don't know how to help them without breaking their trust.  Their mom is trying to get their verbal custody changed to protect them from the emotional abuse during the school year.  They go every other weekend and Mon. & Tues. nights.  Mom wants to have them stay with her all week, allowing them to visit several of the weeknites but no overnites during school. This was something that the school thought may be a good idea as they notice the kids look exhausted on the days they stay with dad.  Tina* has refused saying it was really the dad, but we all know better as he works in the early morning.  There have been many, many emails sent most likely written by her but from his email address.  We have caught her lying about this in the past.  These emails are bazaar to say the least.  The latest is that they do NOT want them to go to counseling because they didn't feel they needed it, and he will not pay a penny for it.  Oh yes did I forget to mention that these two lovely girls had a 22 year old brother that died last year, that they lost their home due to severe flooding, and are now being brainwashed being told that their mom is trying to take them away and only allow him to see them if she feels like it?  But no they don't need counseling.  He pays no child support to her and doesn't pay for the insurance?  
The girls are now acting out and the younger of the two has been very emotional, while the older one protects Tina*, saying no one likes her and she has no friends because of what their mom is doing.  So the child feels bad for her and lies to cover up for things that Tina* has said.  Telling her she will leave because of them(girls) and then daddy will be lonely. Which routinely ends up with a very upset little girl, begging her not to.
Now I don't know how to answer the girls when one tries to tell me something and the older tries to lie to cover and gets panicked.  
ALSO I FEEL THAT MOM STANDS A GOOD CHANCE OF GETTING THE GIRLS DUE TO THE FACT THAT TINA* HAS BEEN CLINICALLY DIAGNOSED WITH AT LEAST TWO ILLNESSES BUT REFUSES TO USE HER MEDICATIONS AGAINST DOCTORS ADVICE.  THAT WAS WELL OVER A YEAR AGO.  She wants custody but doesn't want to make the girls lose time with their father in all fairness.
Their mother hears what others would do almost every day and it is really taking its toll on her.  
During one of the times that their father was coming to get them for a extended visit, the younger was acting out and when her mom asked if she was upset b/c of the longer time she would be away from her(mom) the younger one started shaking and told her she couldn't answer that question and became nervous so mom changed the subject.
I could go on forever with these terrible events, there are way to many though.  
So in short is being mentally unstable not taking medications help the mother to gain custody?  Keep in mind Tina* was a friend of mine for over 20 years and now due to my not allowing her to manipulate me anymore we have fell apart.  If I didn't feel in my heart that what she is doing is wrong I would never had went against her wishes.
I hope you can offer some kind of help.  We live in a small town in NY.  As of right now the girls mother has primary residence with visitation liberal as it is for both parties.  There is nothing saying what days he can have them, I am not sure what primary residence means.  
I would greatly appreciate anything you could do.

Answer
Hi Amy:

I'm not sure how much help I can be, but I'll try.

First, mental illness will not factor into any decisions unless you can get verification of her refusal to take medication and a psychologist or psychiatrist stating she is a danger without it.

You mentioned a verbal agreement has been made.  My suggestion would be for the mother to actually go to the Domestic Relations office and file for legal custody of the children.  In this filing, she can request supervised visitation and ask for the days she wants.

Going this way, she will have the law to back her up should she feel the girls are unsafe.  Also, she will be able to request the judge listen to others who have seen the treatment.

               Joyce A. Anthony