Expert: Libby Bonner - 12/4/2006

Question
My best friend from my childhood has increasing changed over the last 10 years. Although it hasn't been until the last couple years or so that I have really noticed a problem. Her family has noticed it too, and they believe she may be bipolar. She has very erratic behavior. She will be very "up beat" for weeks and then go into stages where she becomes very depressed and irrational and will not return calls or talk to friends and she will treat her family horrible. I realize that she may have a problem so my heart goes out to her. But, it is very difficult to deal with. She is completely irresponsible and cannot be counted on at all anymore. But, she feels she lives an extraordinary life (her exact words) and does not think she does anything wrong with regards to how she treats people. I guess I wonder what the best action for me as a friend to her would be. I have tried for a long time to help & treat her with respect but it's becoming an issue of being walked on for me. Do you think she will remain this way until she gets help? Right now she is engaged and no one can even ask her about her wedding, she says "don't ever ask me anything, I don't want to talk about it."  I find this very strange. I hope she can get help. I know a lot of people deal with friends/family who have issues with bipolar but I didn't realize it would pull on my heart strings this much. I also realize there is not much I can do to "help" her anymore. I feel bad too because she has very few friends and in a sense I am the closest person to her, but in reality we are miles apart because of all of this. What do you think the best action is to take?
Thanks

Answer
I do think she will remain this way - or get very much worse until hospitalized and diagnosed.  The events surrounding the wedding are, in fact, the very sorts of stressors that often tip people into getting worse, I'm sorry to say.

Most of the behavior, moods, etc., which cause others such distress are not chosen behavior, but instead are the illness itself, which has taken her over, so to speak.  All of those words and behaviors are illness symptoms, caused by disordered brain chemistry.

Losing friends is commonplace w/ the mentally ill and one of its great tragedies.  Perhaps, with some help, you will find yourself willing to continue to care about her welfare and to do some "friend functions" with and for her, even tho it will be in a very changed context from the long friendship that you treasured.

There is a wonderful wonderful book by Woolis called When someone you love has a mental illness.  [Get the newset edition.]  Please do get a copy and, one hopes, buy a copy if you think it will be of continuing usefulness.  It is all about interacting w/ the mentally ill and about preserving relationships.  A very practical book.  It could help you shape a new relationship w/ her....tho, as I indicated, a changed one and one where, perhaps, you will always give more than you get.  BUT maintaining contact w/ this chronically ill person would be a very loving gift.

The book will also decrease the numbers of frustrating encounters that you'll have and teach you to avoid abuse - sometimes by simply knowing when to avoid contact at all, or sometimes by shutting down negative contacts quickly, without rancor.

Too, at some point in the future, she may accept a diagnosis and treatment, and may return to being someone closer to the friend you loved.

Depending on how you feel about my remarks, and how you feel about an altered friendship, you could get the book - which will also tell you some things about mental illness generally - and try some of its ideas w/ your friend, as a way to judge, finally, whether you want to continue.

While she is unmedicated, your contacts, to be successful ones, will probably be less frequent and rather brief....hopefully becoming more fulfilling if she accepts treatment.

You must consider you own needs and wishes first.  IF you are able to continue on, in some fashion, it would be a wonderful thing for her over the years....but it must feel right to you.

Thank you so much for writing.