Expert: Libby Bonner - 11/26/2006

Question
Thanks for the quick response.  In response to your inquiry about how long we've been aquainted, it'll be 2 yrs come February.  I know that isn't a long time at all.  From my realizations in life, people criticize what they don't understand.  I'm sure sometimes w/o even knowing it.  Not trying to deny it, but my criticizing comes from confusion.  And if I choose to stay w/ this woman, I DO need to establish an understanding of this disorder.  I know I have some mental incapacity, but I haven't been to a counselor in quite some time for a specific diagnosis, and I live a normal life by my standards.  Maybe I'm just the typical male...so misunderstanding, so unloving, so this so that.  I try to help her when she questions me about her uncertainties relating to what she thinks she "might have" touched, and if she should wash her hands.  And you've probably already guessed my answer is always NO.  Sometimes she listens to me, other times not. sometimes, less than 10 to 15 seconds after washing her hands, she'll turn right back around, approach the bathroom sink, and wash 'em again.  I know we both need pro help, so this is my help for the time being.  Also, I'd like to give thanks for the name of that book.  I ordered it already, so hopefully, understanding and tolerance will be established.  Thanks again for the help.
-------------------------------------------
The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
I'm a 28 yr old male, on this Thanksgiving holiday, and I should be happy for the simple reason it's the holiday season, but instead, I'm finding myself enraged, helpless, and used.  I moved from Ga to New Hampshire to be w/ a girl I've, for the past 2 yrs, seen as one I couldn't be without.  I've since came around to reality, a long time ago.  She has 2 kids who I like a lot, and have no problem with.  This woman never used to take her anger out on me before, she kept telling me she wanted me up here, and so on.  She claims she's been diagnosed w/ OCD, which I don't doubt in the least.  She washes her hands upwards of 50 times a day, maybe more, she won't take her kids out to play in the back yard 'cause of "what might be" on the grass, such as pesticides and such, she'll only take them out when I'm around, but not by herself, she leaves wadded up paper towels all over the place, like the floor, the bed we both share, the stove, the kitchen counter, which really gets me pissed, and she expects me to let it go, be comfortable w/ it.  After confronting her about it before, the response was "that's just how I am."  When we're out, like tonight, over at her grandparents' house having the holiday feast, she was only in the bathroom once in a matter of 6 hrs.  She'll wash her hands before turning on the shower, whatever sense that makes.  I'm more than convinced she makes stuff up just so there will be a fight.  About a week ago, her computer wasn't working, so I hooked up mine in her room.  In the meantime, I decided I'd be a good samaritian and clean her room up a bit.  Well, there's this dust pan she doesn't like, 'cause around a year ago, there was some Raid sprayed next to it, so to this day, she still thinks it's covered in it, so she won't even look at it.  While cleaning out her room, suddenly she comes in and starts biting my head off saying "I'd like to get my F*****G kids in bed sometime tonight."  I said well don't let me stop ya.  She says "Well, you gotta move the dust pan you have sittin out here first."  I asked why.  She says, "I can't walk past it," all of this in an intense angry tone.  I get my ass reamed out for taking a nap, not here, BUT IN GA.  This is so unreal to me, I want to be w/ her, but definitely not in this condition.  To me, it really sucks when your significant other has to take meds just to be able to put up w/ you.  There's more to her, but I'm running out of space I bet.  Please help me.  V/R
-----Answer-----
You don't say how long you both have been in NH together, or how long you were together previously, but I gather you have been w/ her rather briefly in NH, and that perhaps you never before got to see her illness sypmtoms quite so closely and clearly.

It would be quite difficult for a long-time relationship to withstand one partner acquiring a serious and persistant mental illness.  Your situation presents a near-impossibility.....esp since you appear to have made no moves to gain an understanding of OCD or mental illness generally.

I am very concerned that she will become sicker if you continue there w/ her, or perhaps is already worse than when you arrived.  It isn't helpful to the mentally ill to have persons near them who so completely misunderstand their illnesses, and who look at their medications [without which she would be very very sick indeed] as something the patients must do in order to put up w/ those around them.

The mentally ill take medicines in the hope of reducing their symptoms.  I am sorry to say that OCD has fewer effective meds than many other mental illnesses, which puts a great burden on both the patients and those who interact w/ them.

I'm sure she did want you with her.  However, the great enemy of mental patients is CHANGE - good or bad, large or small, change is very very stressful to them. And so it probably destabilized her when the composition of the household changed, and would have almost regardless of who the person was or why they had moved there.  [Would be destabilizing to have a beloved relative come for a short or long visit.]  Anger that is new may be a reaction to that stress and/or reaction to your very very harsh and vocal and mistaken judgements about her, her illness, and her illness-behavior.

Why in the bathroom once at Grandma's?  Her obsessions/compulsions are likely quite specific to her own turf.

Among the many disburbing sentences in your question is this one:  "She claims she's been diagnosed w/ OCD, which I don't doubt in the least."   Perhaps you simply wrote in haste, but usually when someone remarks about another's "claims" it is because they disbelieve those claims.  On the other hand, you "don't doubt [it] in the least" which I read as " boy oh boy, does she do wild, stupid, crazy stuff [which she has no reason to, I also hear.]  So.  Do you believe that she has OCD and that she takes medicine to reduce her symptoms and make her life more bearable.?  If so, do you understand that OCD is a mental illness caused by a sudden shift in brain chemistry that causes behaviors that the person, when normal, would not have chosen?  Do you believe that she could stop the wild, crazy stupid stuff if she wanted to?  [Who would not want to?]

If you would like to know more about mental illness, pls see www.nami.org or www.mentalhealth.com.  

Right now, a separation sounds like an awfully good idea.  [That will probably also increase her symptoms for some time, but not as much as continuing on as you both are now.]  Do you think there is anything to be salvaged here and, if yes, is there a way for you to live apart for a bit, while both of you get your bearings again?  This separation should be well-defined before it is undertaken and you both should share its goals.  I would hope the separation would be very real: limited contacts, in settings most tolerable to you both, and intimacy, or not, decided beforehand.  Limited numbers and length of visits/phone calls, maybe an agreement on topics that are safe and those that will not be dealt w/ for awhile.  You would each/both be separating in the hope of returning to live together......tho you both could, I guess, by agreement, be testing life apart.

She is always going to be sick.  [Treatment could get more effective in the future, but don't hang big hopes on that.]  If chronic illness is a deal breaker, then there is nothing to be salvaged.  It might be a help to her, in the aftermath of your leaving, if you would make sure that SOMEONE who cares about her, and could "help" in some way, is alerted that you will leave...so that some sort of support is checking on her.

If you can manage a separation and want to try to resume or start anew w/ her, please do become acquainted w/ her illness.  A couple of additional things can help you out in this interim and beyond.  I would arrange to go with her to her next psychiatric appt....you can give and get useful information in that way, and one could argue that she has some obligations to help you understand, and this is one thing she can do.  [If her next appt is not soon, try to get one that is; she can explain to the office.]  IF you feel that you will stay, or stay awhile, please do BUY an infinitely useful book by Woolis called When someone you love has a mental illness.  Do absolutely get the latest edition.  It will give you some general knowledge of how thinking changes in mental illness and it will give you tools for communicating better w/ her.  It is very very practical in approaching the daily issues of living successfully w/ someone who is mentally ill.

The last thing that I want to be absolutely clear about is this.  You, by virtue of being w/o a mental illness, will of necessity carry the greater part of the load in the relationship, simply because she, with the changes her illness has made in her thinking and behavior, is unable to.
Her illness will be an always-present [and unwelcome, to both of you] third party within the relationship.  The greater load, above, means that you must come to terms w/ the illness, be patient w/ it and w/ her, not ask of her more that she is able to be and to do.  But there are things you can ask of her as well - Woolis might help here: see Setting Limits.  Or see what her doctor has to say about it.  [Does she have a social worker?  That person could help.]

If you stay, and are able to come to terms w/ the many illness isues, I would guess that her behavior could return more closely to that which drew you to her originally....with the result that the relationsip will once again offer rewards that you value.

I want to thank you for writing.  You have every reason to be confused.  I hope this will help.  Write again if you need to.

Answer
Wow!  Congratulations for getting the book ordered; things are going to get better.  [It my tell you the 'right' answer to "shall I wash my hands" - I don't know what that answer is, or if it varies.]

You will increase your chances of remaining together if you both are diagnosed completely and accurately and then receive the best current available treatment/s.  Maybe contact a community mental health center about what services other than docs are available to either of you.  And check w/ the state NAMI office, perhaps, to get someone to help orient you to how MH services are run in NH.  All states are different.   www.nami.org

Good luck.