Expert: Libby Bonner - 9/2/2003

Question
Hi Libby. I know that you can not diagnose anyone, but I truly believe and feel that my husband has this disorder. He changed moods soooo very fast and doesnt remember a lot of what he does or says. He will not go to the doctor and tell me that I'm crazy for thinking he hast this. I am not the only one that thinks it. His mother and mine and other family members do as well. I guess my question is, what, in your experience, are some of the characteristics of a person with bi-polar? Are there any good books that I may get from the library on this? I love my husband, but he is very hard to live with when he is like this. It isn't every day, or I would think it is just the way he is. Please, any information you can give, is greatly appreciated! Thank you so much!!
Jackie Lee

Answer
This is a PS to my earlier answer, which follows this long paragraph. Part of the key to getting your husband to get help is to respect his personhood.  No one wants to be told "You're not OK, not a good person, we don't like you" and this is what he may hear, almost regardless of how you present info.  So it's critical that he know that the son/husband/whomever that he really is, the core person, remains a loved and valued person.  What is NOT OK are the illness symptoms that now mask and distort this real core person.  It is also not OK that others should adjust their lives to accommodate the symptoms of untreated illness. ***************************
www.mentalhealth.com can help you diagnosis this - or rule it out. Also either book by Jack Gorman:  The New Psychiatry, OR Complete Manual of Psychiatric Drugs.  That last title maybe isn't quite right, but the author's name will lead you to it.  Both books cover much of the same material on diagnosis and treatment, tho their titles are somewhat misleading.  Excellent books, but I wish they would get updated - the diagnostic material is probably OK, but their may be newer thinking on theories of illness/treatment and there are definitely a few new drugs.

But what to do with this info, if the patient disagrees?  A very, very tough question.  Tough answers as well:  until and unless his job or his marriage are jeopardized, or until he becomes so totally ill [and this could happen very fast] that he is either hospitalized or jailed, there is not much to be done in the way of persuasion.

If I were do try to do any persuading, it would be more in the nature of information-giving:  that bipolar disorder results from disarranged brain chemicals; that mental illness doesn't equal 'crazy'; that new meds are VERY effective in treating this; that people [my own observation] who are full adults [probably started in steady work or careers] are usually quicker to recover than adolescents.....

I might do this in the way that 'confrontations' are done w/ substance abusers - don't know - seek advice on this.  Or - do you share the same family doctor?  You might tell your doc of your concerns, then ask your husband to go w/ you to an appt that purports to be about a problem of yours - tricky; discuss w/ doc.

What I would not do is nag and nag and nag, and I would get the family to lay off too.  [I would grit my teeth and cope until I could gather my info.  And/or - if possible - you can do as much as you can to minimize contact w/ him for awhile.  Anything from going to visit relatives to simply changing the times you must share meals, free time, etc. ]

What you could do - sudden idea - must do, really, is to keep a log of behaviors.....to use as part of the 'information' you will provide him.  And no, to his later objections, you have not been 'spying,' you have been describing situations where you were either a participant or an open observer.

What to do right now.  If there is a NAMI support group, start going.  www.nami.org  Get the ideas of people who have been there, done that.  Keep going as long as it's helpful.   ---If there is a Mental Health Assoc where you live, they may also run support groups.

I suspect communication is one of the things that go haywire between you and your husband, so I think you may find some help w/ the Woolis book, When someone you love has a mental illness.  Inexpensive paperback.  They are mostly talking about communicating w/ pretty sick folks, but any time your husband's behavior veers off course, using some of the Woolis 'dialogues' and tips will help defuse things and so will make your life easier until treatment enters the picture.  [Woolis also addresses ways to set limits, which may prove helpful now.]

Good luck.  I hope you'll write again any time.