Expert: Libby Bonner - 7/11/2006

Question
I am 23 and was diagnoised bipolar disorder three and a half years ago. I have been seeing the same man on and off for several years now. We have broken up many times before due to my struggles with bipolar disorder. However, this time around he had begun to understand me. He knew when I was just letting the illness get the best of me.

I spent so much time being angry at him. A lot of the time I wasn't really even sure why. I was just so frustrated. Yet, I was happy with him. I in no way wanted to be with anyone else. Yet I went ahead and cheated on him.

I can't explain it. It doesn't make any sense. I love him and things were going quite well. I never dreamed i would do this to him. I don't understand what happened.

This has caused him to not want to have anything to do with me. I think he was getting tired of me always being mad at him for no real reason and then this infidelity really ended it.

I have been reading that infidelity is common in those suffering from bipolar disorder. To me this is the only explanation I can come up with. But I don't know how to explain this to him without him thinking I am just trying to find an excuse. What am I to do to try to save this?

Answer
I wonder whether you are taking medicine for your bipolar, or ever have?  Has it ever helped?  Helped w/ moods or w/ anger?   If you want to go forward w/ a chance of success in relationships, I really would urge you to get treatment.  You should know that it will take you and your doctor a while to find exactly the right medicine or medicines and doses that will help.

If you start treatment, it probably would be helpful is you also could get some group counseling, or get into group classes, through a community mental health center

Your boyfriend, if he wishes to return, might think about going to a good NAMI support group or taking the free NAMI 12-week class called Family to Family.  In the meantime, either of you can learn more about those at www.nami.org or about mental illnesses at www.mentalhealth.com

Good judgement is often impaired in all mental illnesses.  Perhaps this was the cause of your infidelity.  Or perhaps you have an another undiagnosed illness that would account for it.

In bipolar illness, infidelity [or just more frequent sex w/ the regular partner] is likelier to happen if the patient is becoming manic or is manic -- when they are pretty sick and pretty high from their illness.

Good luck on straightening this out.