Expert: Libby Bonner - 1/9/2007

Question
I have been married 24 years.  My husband has been a heavy drinker for all but the last year of this marriage.  1 1/2 years ago, I found out that he had been cheating on me whenever he went out of town on business.  

I kept asking him to go to counseling with me, but he didn't think it was necessary.  So I went alone.  I finally told him that the marriage was over.  Then he decided that marriage counseling was a good idea.

Our counselor suggested that he may be bipolar and urged him to see a psychiatrist.  She asked me to accompany him to his first visit because he had seen a psychiatrist previously and did not disclose everything.

The psychiatrist had said that he did not think my husband was bipolar, but very depressed. But my husband now clings to the possiblity of being bipolar.

My question is: Is it possible to have spent 1 1/2 years cheating and then, once discovered, completely erase all events from memory?  He tells me that he can't talk about it with me because he doesn't remember it at all, just knows that it had happened.  

I can't get over what he's done.  Though he hasn't cheated again, he didn't change the habits (constantly online) that led up to his infidelity or his reluctance to do anything (get tested for STDs, seek counseling)prior to my announcing the end of our marriage.

Are these all signs of bipolar disorder or mental illness? Do the basic knowledge of right and wrong disappear? Should I be accepting that he had no control of himself? I'm not sure how to deal with this.  

Answer
I am not qualified to answer most of your questions, since I don't diagnose and haven't enough info about him to even guess at the presence of mental illness.

I do have a coupld of questions and recommendations.

You imply that he has reduced or eliminated the online time and has gotten tested for STDs once you had sad the marriage was over.  If so, there are two problems solved.

I would suggest that you consider continuing in counseling.  Persisting in questioning your husband about the past infidelities is not helpful to either of you nor to your marriage.  It would be good if further counseling  - for either or both of you - could help put this issue to rest.

Your husband saw a psychiatrist in the past...didn't reveal all.  What happened then?  Any medication?  What happened w/ the recent psychiatrist visit?  [And was it the same one , or a diff one?  How much time between visit in the past and the recent one?]  Recent doc thinks he's depressed but did not give him Rx?  No follow-up visits scheduled?  Mental illness perhaps needs to be ruled out, or ruled in  and then treated, so I would advise returning to this or another psychiatrist.

FYI - depression and bipolar depression are treated differently.  

I know nothing about your counselor, but if his/her suggestion of bipolar disorder was offered entrirely on the basis of recent infidelity, without other symptoms and without having talked w/ him, you might want to consider whether this counselor is well-qualified to help you.

I hope you both will be able to move forward and end this new year together, and happier.  Thank you for writing.