Expert: Libby Bonner - 4/5/2006

Question
Hi,
(We have the same last name and first initials!)
I'm a 45-year-old, divorced mother of two, and have suffered from bipolar II disorder, PTSD and panic disorder for many years. I've been in therapy off and on since college, but my symptoms have gotten progressively worse in the past ten years, beginning after the death of my second child. As a result, I now also suffer from a severe sleep disorder. I'm on a number of meds, which I take as prescribed, and I keep my therapy appointments faithfully. My life is complicated by the fact that I have difficulty maintaining a job and relationships with friends, have no family close by, and have a 16-year-old son with mild autism.

My main problem, however, is my mother. She has always been a very stoic, unaffectionate parent, always dealing with life's issues in a very matter-of-fact way. Honestly, she has lived a pretty priviledged and trauma-free life, and has always enjoyed good health. My father's side of the family has a strong history of mental illness, and my mother has always viewed them and my father as somewhat weak and to be looked down upon.

I have tried and tried to get my mother to understand my illness and my son's disorder for years, but she refuses to accept that there is anything wrong that can be overcome by willpower. She turns a deaf ear to everything I say, and disregards everything I send her on the subjects to educate her. When I'm not around, she tries to push her uninformed opinions on my children. Over and over again, and at every opportunity, she tells me, "You need to pull yourself together!" Or she will remind me of how "smart" I am, how well I did in school and what a high I.Q. I have. She always lets me know in one way or another what a disappointment I am, not living up to my abilities in terms of professional attainment.

Right now, I am unable to work. I have been having psychotic episodes, and have had to be on stronger meds. I've had to apply for disability, and currently have to get food stamps and other public assistance to take care of my family. My mother clearly finds this appalling and shameful. I am so tired of her lack of support and understanding, so done with her know-it-all attitude and stubbornness. The last thing I need right now is her scorn. I am working as hard as I can to get better. She does send me monetary gifts from time to time to help out, which I really appreciate and need, but I get a heavy dose of lecturing and unwanted advice along with them. I find myself in tears constantly over this, and want to isolate myself. but my father is quite ill now, so I am having to put up with my mother even more than usual in going to see him.

How can I get my mother to understand and accept my illness? Or does she sound like a lost cause? Can you recommend any resources that I can suggest to her written specifically for family members? Thanks so much for your time!

LB  

Answer
Lemelia - This is a PS.  I had meant to send this link yesterday.  It's all about stigma and mental illness and, briefly, how it arose and that it's so mistaken.  You can maybe use it for yourself, or w/ someone less resistant than your mother.  http://health.msn.com/centers/mentalhealth/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100107...
It might be a comfort to you to think that your mother might be no more sympathetic if you were severely diabetic, or had multiple severe but not visually-apparent physical illnesses.
Last - thank you for your comments.  You, and others, should know that what we see is always only your first words - I complain and complain - and so your remarks were cut off at "but" --- if you said more of great importance, write me anew.     **************

Definitely a lost cause right now, esp while dealing w/ your father's illness.

There are things written for family members, and there are groups, and classes....but your mother is not interested in them.  Her mind was made up some time ago....at a time when wrong information about mental illness was very widely believed.  [And before correct info had even been discovered by researchers.]

IF you are going home often because of your father - or contacting your mother for any reason, in person or otherwise - perhaps you might want to work w/ your therapist on satisfactory ways to begin to put an end to your efforts w/ your mother, ways that will be acceptable to you.  You are wanting acceptance, but perhaps closure - unilateral closure, initiated by you [by your future silence about your illnesses ] - is the most reasonable goal attainable right now.

This paragraph is sort of a bridge to the next, about the care you are receiving.  Does any of your care come from a mental health center?  I am wondering whether you can find any help there.  Things available might be life skills classes, social contacts [through a 'club house' or drop-in center], and perhaps regular home visits from a social worker.  If the doctor you now have is in a private practice, it is likely that he/she could write orders for specific mental health center services that would be applicable to your needs now.  [You might also see if there is a NAMI group for consumers (patients) where you live:  www.nami.org]

If you would like to write again, I have many questions about your illness/es -- am wondering whether you are getting all the help available to you and/or right meds, etc.  I hope that you rely primarily on Rxs - right ones, right doses - rather than 'talk' for symptom reduction.  I am concerned esp about the new [?] psychotic episodes.

Don't give up on your disability application.  Re-apply, more than once, if necessary.

----- Social contacts, isolation, relationships are all so very difficult for people w/ mental illnesses.  I am wondering if you have maintained any contacts whatsoever w/ ANY persons [friends/relatives/colleagues] from your past who show, or might show, any willingness to understand and/or to offer emotional connection.  If there is anyone, I would do everything I could to nurture and strengthen that connection.  

I am thinking, in addition, that if you are no longer working, you might want to think of relocating.....a very overwhelming thing to consider right now when you are quite ill, but something to discuss w/ doctor or therapist sometime.  Is there anywhere you could be where 1] mental health services are better or more generous [ditto public assistance of various sorts] and/or a place where that person from your past is and/or a place you have even lived that you recall w/ pleasure?  Just a thought, and not even the most important right now.

My only other thoughts re your mother, and this probably only when the concern for your father is less, is whether you might talk w/ her religious advisor, if any, and ask that person to help bridge the gap.  Or - if she ever visits you, and would agree to, what about taking her along to a doctor's appt.  It's very common for family to attend psychiatrist's visits...I doubt she would agree, but you might want to ask.

The very most important 'solutions' that I see right now as being THE most important w/ your immediate or mid-term problems are 1]regretfully withdrawing efforts to gain you mother's understanding and 2] finding ANYONE at all to relieve isolation and to help you w/ decisions....a social worker would be a fine beginning.  [Maybe your doctor's practice can assign one employed by the practice?  Payment could be a problem right now?]

For another time: how will your meds be paid for?  Are you on disability from work for awhile?  Or on COBRA?  Have you made application for Medicaid.   

I do hope a social worker comes into your life very very soon.

I wish I could offer more.