Expert: Ivan Goldberg, M.D. - 4/5/2006

Question
Hi,

I'm a 45-year-old, divorced mother of two, and have suffered from bipolar II disorder, PTSD and panic disorder for many years. I've been in therapy off and on since college, but my symptoms have gotten progressively worse in the past ten years, beginning after the death of my second child. As a result, I now also suffer from a severe sleep disorder. I'm on a number of meds, which I take as prescribed, and I keep my therapy appointments faithfully. My life is complicated by the fact that I have difficulty maintaining a job and relationships with friends, have no family close by, and have a 16-year-old son with mild autism.

My main problem, however, is my mother. She has always been a very stoic, unaffectionate parent, always dealing with life's issues in a very matter-of-fact way. Honestly, she has lived a pretty priviledged and trauma-free life, and has always enjoyed good health. My father's side of the family has a strong history of mental illness, and my mother has always viewed them and my father as somewhat weak and to be looked down upon.

I have tried and tried to get my mother to understand my illness and my son's disorder for years, but she refuses to accept that there is anything wrong that can be overcome by willpower. She turns a deaf ear to everything I say, and disregards everything I send her on the subjects to educate her. When I'm not around, she tries to push her uninformed opinions on my children. Over and over again, and at every opportunity, she tells me, "You need to pull yourself together!" Or she will remind me of how "smart" I am, how well I did in school and what a high I.Q. I have. She always lets me know in one way or another what a disappointment I am, not living up to my abilities in terms of professional attainment.

Right now, I am unable to work. I have been having psychotic episodes, and have had to be on stronger meds. I've had to apply for disability, and currently have to get food stamps and other public assistance to take care of my family. My mother clearly finds this appalling and shameful. I am so tired of her lack of support and understanding, so done with her know-it-all attitude and stubbornness. The last thing I need right now is her scorn. I am working as hard as I can to get better. She does send me monetary gifts from time to time to help out, which I really appreciate and need, but I get a heavy dose of lecturing and unwanted advice along with them. I find myself in tears constantly over this, and want to isolate myself. but my father is quite ill now, so I am having to put up with my mother even more than usual in going to see him.

How can I get my mother to understand and accept my illness? Or does she sound like a lost cause? Can you recommend any resources that I can suggest to her written specifically for family members? Thanks so much for your time!

LB  

Answer
Hi . . .

Having a mother such as the one you have increaes your burden of having to deal with a psychiatric disorder. Both NAMI and The Depressive and Bipolar Support Alliance run support groups for the friends and families of people with psychiatric disorders. While you mother might learn few things about what you go through if she were to attend such groups, I doubt that she will attend.

I think you would probably do best by accepting that she will never understand what you are going through and will never be a source of emotional support for you.

Best regards . . .

Ivan
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%