Expert: Jurriaan Plesman, Nutritional Psychotherapist - 6/7/2005

Question
I am 45 years old and am truly suffering.

I've been married since 1985 to my college sweetheart and have two beautiful kids, 11 and 7. I am also a businessowner, since 1990 - my husband used to work full time with me from 1997 until last year but the 24/7 was too much.  So now he works at a company.  Thank God!

Last year, I had an affair -- a very exciting guy I saw at my high school reunion whom I met when I was vulnerable I guess from my marriage - which today has me still in recovery. He was a lot like me and filled me with passion.  Although I try not to, I think of him often and wonder what it would have been like if we would have married.  He sent me an e-card in April for my birthday which then brought back memories and set me back all over again.  Basically the affair exploded -- he wanted ALL of me, not part and wanted me to leave my husband.  I did not leave. The whole idea of breaking family history, others hearts including those of my kids and husband was too much for me to even bear to think of. He had 3 girls, whom I also came to know and love.  My brother and sister-in-law were overly involved in this whole ordeal as well, for they went through the rollercoaster with us (I was trying to decide whether to stay or leave and my husband knew this as well which caused him extra anxiety). Although they were nasty to me, it took almost a year now to gain back their forgiveness.  Go figure! My husband stayed during this whole thing! That is amazing.

I also play violin.

Frankly, now I am tired - tired of the day to day things; tired of life and sick of people who are fake or dishonest and of those whom owe me money or want me to donate my time to them like I am some kind of non-profit business or something. I seem to have no tolerance anymore for people! It seems I go all out for people and then get stepped on all the time!

I've seen a counselor to "talk" about things but don't really know what that is doing to be honest.  My husband and I both went through marriage counseling as well as a program but nothing has changed.

With us I see stagnation.  I am a go-getter but he procrastinates, is always tired and is getting overweight day by day by day.  I seek excitement but see nothing. I know he loves me and I love him - so the love is there -- however, I am drained and feel totally numb.

I used to be audacious, enthusiastic and so happy -- now I am not.  I continally think of the past and have been buying things from the past - like Brady Bunch, Monkees and Little House on the Prairie movies and such. I feel like I just want o fly away and start anew (yeah, sounds crazy eh)?!!

I think of suicide but you know what - I don't even think that would solve all of my problems! And no - I will not go to any hospital and be marked for life with the above.

I've been on various depression meds - and typically they are good for the first couple weeks - then thereafter, they fail and I then get adverse affects and feel very down and can't get out of bed or function. So, now I am not on any meds at all.

I just feel that everyone would be better off without me. And I truly believe this very much so.

Mu husband thinks this is all hormonal.  What do you think?

All I know is that I can't work and can't think or focus and basically just survive right now.

Any advice - please, I will read.

Depressed in PA:(

Answer
Dear Trish,

This is an difficult period in your life and I can fully understand the conflict you are going through.

There  are two kinds of depression; (1) environmental, caused by your personal and situational circumstances and (2) endogenous depression caused by hormonal and internal matters.

From a distance it is of course difficult to pinpoint what the matter might be. It could be possible that you have endogenous depression, that is depression caused by some internal biochemical abnormality.

Please complete the NBI, which is a paper-and-pencil test for hypoglycemia.Search our web site. If you score high on that test there is a likelihood that a metabolic disorder may contribute to your emotional problems. In this case I suggest you have a follow up medical test for hypoglycemia. These tests are described at our web site as:

“Testing for Hypoglycemia and how your Doctor can Help”

this test is different from a test for diabetes.

If found to be hypoglycemic, that can contribute to depression, the non-drug treatment is going on a hypoglycemic diet.

But it seems to me that environmental matters may be a major factor in your unhappiness. It seems to me that your desires and ambitions are not fully fulfilled. It could also be due to a low self-esteem , that stops you from achieving and attaining the kinds of things that would satisfy you. The fact that you had an affair with another man, means that there may be something missing in your marriage. This needs to be fully investigated.

I suggest that you study our self-help PSYCHOTHERAPY course at our web site, that is free of charge. Study ALL the chapters. There are eight chapters and if you study them at the rate of one per week, in eight weeks time you should be fully aware of what has been missing in your life. Of particular interest should be the “Values Clarification' course, which helps you to determine what you really want out of life, what your important values are, what your husband's values are and how they can be matched, if they can be matched at all.

The course will give you much insight into your own thinking and feelings, as well as of other people's emotions. It will give you clear choices, and I think after you have studied the course you should discuss this with a counsellor with a view of reconciling with your husband or come to alternative arrangements. It could well be if you both do the course your marriage could be saved, in which case your extramarital affair was just an escape from an intolerable situation. Your marriage has to be improved and this all centres around needs satisfaction.

I know It is very difficult for you, but I suggest that if you study the psychotherapy course things will clear up in your own mind.

I wish you the best of luck.

Jur

Jurriaan Plesman, BA (Psych) Post Grad Dip Clin Nutr
For more articles see
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au