Expert: Libby Bonner - 10/12/2004

Question
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Followup To
Question -
My husband,39, is currently in a manic episode. We have been separated for 4 months. He is spending large amounts of money needlessly everyday, not sleeping, substance abuse, has put 2 people in the hospital because of violence, 2 car accidents in 3 days. I am trying to help the best I can but I am just about to have a breakdown. I promised him after his first episode (since our marriage) that I would not have him involuntarily committed again. His mother and sister have turned their backs. When is it time for me to walk away from the situation without guilt?
Answer -
You can walk away w/o guilt anytime, whether or not there are children, if you can get him some help now.  Once he's into care, you can walk away if there are children.  W/o children, you can walk away after he's in care, once you understand that he has a serious chronic illness...if that does not conflict w/ your vows.  YOU CAN WALK AWAY ANYTIME, IF HE UNDERSTANDS HE IS ILL, AND PREFERS MANIA TO TAKING MEDS TO CONTROL IT.  Several variations on the choice.

You need to re-commit your husband NOW,BEFORE he is killed [in a police action] or lands in prison for maybe life.  It was a foolish promise, honestly given, but all bets are off now:  you need to save his life and later worry about your marriage and your decisions.

Until he is in the hosp, you need to be in a safe place, w/ your doors locked when you are home.  You also want to agree w/ just about anything he says on the phone and keep it short.  DO NOT ARGUE. He is a lit fuse.

Here is bipolar disorder:  screwed up brain chemistry that causes changes in thoughts, mood, and behavior.  It is as though your husband were on some horrible experimental drug...and it is this 'drug' that is in control of him now.  HE is not in control of anything he says or does right now.

Oop.  You are recently married but he had these episodes before marriage?  The best one could guess from that is that either he prefers mania to medicine OR that his doc never was able to get him onto the right meds at the right doses: this takes time and patience and the patient's full cooperation, and maybe an extra-good doc.

I would try to help him save and/or salvage his life by committment.  While he is in the hospital, pls be in touch w/ NAMI, www.nami.org....find a local and/or state office.  Talk to people there.  Attend a local meeting and find someone willing to be in frequent phone contact.  Try to get his family to listen to some of this and to attend.

Bipolar illness is hell on everybody and a very, very tough one to live with and to live through.  But it is a serious chronic illness; it's hard to think of any other serious illnesses where the patient's own mother abandons him.  It's hard to learn to understand bipolar, but very worth it for his family. They need to understand so that they can love him again.

For yourself, write me again, sooner or later, and tell me what's going on.  Marriage will be tough, probably.....and the two of you would have to have some agreements on what his responsibilities are as a patient: you could not begin to have this discussion until weeks or months after his hospitalization, perhaps.

Get him committed; take a little break; get some info on bipolar; go to NAMI; continue to be separated for awhile.  If you want a future w/ him, go w/ him for awhile to doctor appts and perhaps try to find a therapist for yourself or for you as a couple.

Assume, for now, that you know NOTHING about your husband and that you can't make any decisions until you do.

My heart goes out to you.  I have been in your place.

My husband is 39 and I am 53. He had his first episode during his first marriage but was in denial. I did not know about his disorder until he became manic right after our marriage. He is currently not taking his meds--has not for 6 weeks or more. Got tired of the family "bothering him" about getting help so he saw a doctor that said he was not manic. He has the ability, even during mania, to appear stable for a short period of time. A leader of the bipolar support group went to the magistrate's office last week take out commitment papers. The mag. knows his mother and called her. She said not to do it. I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I fear his reaction once he is stable if I have him commited. Meanwhile, he is drinking and driving , whoring and doing any illegal  substance he can find. There are no children involved. I truly would like to walk away but am afraid of the guilt I would feel. His mother took the NAMI class after his last episode so she has the book knowlege. She still continues to   think he is doing this consciously. I feel as though this is an uphill struggle and stay conflicted about "what is the right thing to do at this point". I have read a great deal about the disorder and we have been in joint counselling for two years.  

Answer
Oh, goodness: it's both better and worse than I had thought.

I realize that if the mag. knows mom in a small town.....  But you are surely someone who can commit him and no one can say otherwise?

He is whoring, drinking, not sleeping, doing drugs, etc., because he is about as sick as one can get.

BUT - I am not sure why you would feel guilt about leaving this marriage?  I myself, knowing as much as I have unfortunately learned about mental illness, might feel guilt if I didn't try to get him immediately into a safe place, but no other. You can't make him get well and stay well against his wishes.

One solution:  live apart.  Stay married, if you wish; sleep together; live in separate homes.

If you haven't seen this book, give it a whirl:  I am not sick; I don't need help.  Author is Amador.

I have no answers.  You can only do what you can do....

Awfully, awfully sorry.