Expert: Libby Bonner - 10/8/2007

Question
hi~

recently this year, at 28, i realized that my life with no job in 4 years and past jobs instability, no friends ever, no relationships ever, never dated, just routines of daily life like waking up with no purpose or meaning and watching tv and not having any interest in others or socializing at all, is not "normal" so i decided to look online for self-help and possible causes.  so far, it looks like a lifelong LDD-i suspect it's something like adhd, BIPOLAR(often and  constant moodiness, swings of sadness to slightly hope and positive outlook; very similar to some on my mother's side too), autism- or social anxiety disorder of a sort that manifested into social withdrawal, slowed learning and overall delayed development through elementary, middle and high school, and lack of proper, structured and guided parenting caused even more problems.

so, i'm in the process of looking for an official assessment/diagnosis locally in michigan and depending whatever that is, how do i look back and determine and figure out all the stuff i missed out on like social experiences, opportunities, and everything that i should of learned in school and everything else that would have prepared me for adulthood, how do i relearn, relive or readjust having missed out on or never been taught all the basic skills of survival and success, more importantly social skills and concepts?

the diagnosis is comforting to know but it will not change my life, right?  since everything has compounded and became a tangled web, is it matter of taking on and addressing the most important issue like lack of social development or maturity? in my case, since it seems like my mind never caught up to my age and i'm way behind someone who is fully functioning of my age group, is it possible to "catch-up" and salvage even a tiny bit of the life i have left to live?  is it matter of addressing and someone teaching me organizational skills like setting goals, being motivated, having ambition, striving to succeed at life or even try to figure out who i am and how i fit into the world?  basically, all the missed or unlearned stuff can be taught and i could be reprogramed in some what, is that right?  please help me understand because it's all very new and very confusing how i can go through nearly 30 years of being not-social and having no interest in people to all of the sudden be very social and being able to learn how to be so.  

thanks.

Answer
P.S.  There is a book by Barbara Walters.  Think the title is something like How to talk to anyone about anything.  Older book, but libraries might have it.
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It's never to late to get going, and you seem to have gotten started...pursuing assessment/diagnosis, and going from there.

It's quite likely that, once you are in the "human services" system, you will be offered an array of therapies and other kinds of services, including social services and organized group learning to help w/ social skills.  And almost certainly you will eventually be referred to some sort of Vocational Rehab or to 'supported' job placement based on present skills.

You write well, and that's a huge plus, for life or employment.   There are any number of books [library or book stores] addressed to very young persons suddenly needing to know a lot of basics....maybe some include social basics. Despite you age, these books are for you!  And there are also etiquette books for children and young adults.

Don't be shy re children's books.  I am a librarian w/ a masters degree, and anytime I needed to know, quickly, something about which I knew ZERO, I would head to the childrens' dept of a public library, and have often recommended doing just that to others.

Is there a Barnes and Noble bookstore near you?  You could start hanging out there, reading books and magazines free [they encourage it], and observe others as they interact.  And your skills, or lack of them, would likelly not be apparent in that setting.

I would look for other no-cost places where people go very informally - events, parks, etc. - where you could go, and observe, and gradually start mingling.  Look for things in the local or area papers that genuinely interest you.  My daughter visits nature centers often - a nice, low-key place to go, w/ undemanding contacts w/ others.

For heaven's sake, don't get involved w/ a girl immediately.  Only problems ahead in that direction.  PUH-leeze:  promise me!

Really, truly - you are not going to be having to make all the lost up from from scratch!  As I said earlier, assessment/diagnosis will only be the start of a bigger process...and you will have directions and guides through the processes that you choose/want/need...persons helping you.  Do take along the email you have sent me; I suspect you will be telling this to a series of people along the way.

Good luck.  Trite but true - it's the first day of the rest of your [new] life.  Glad you got your wake-up call and have taken the first steps.  Congratulate yourself and go forward w/ hope and w/ good feelings about new beginnings.