Expert: Libby Bonner - 11/14/2003

Question
Dear Libby,
My daughter has been difficult most of her life.  She is now 27.  Her father was diagnosed as bipolar and nearly killed us before we left him 8 years ago.  I am afraid something bad is going to happen if she continues these mood swings.  She does risky things like moving to Jordan with her 3 children and husband and when she returned she only came back with 2 children.  She will not consider help and hates me with a passion.  She hasn't been diagnosed but living with her dad for 20 years I see the similarity.  How do you reach someone who needs help but won't get it?
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you,
Susan Mallery

Answer
A PS to my answer below, and an apology: if your daughter is 29 then obviously the children are not 'older' as I at one point surmised.
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Oh boy.  Have been thinking of you and your question all day.  A tough tough problem.

Some questions, ansers for which you can provide to others as you begin to look for help where you are.  Is she in stable employment?  Stable housing?  Kids OK?  Who would care for the kids if she could not?  Husband / ex-husband is where?  Interest/ability as a dad?  Your relationship, if any, to him and/or his family?  How does he and/or his family see the problem?  [or perhaps he is a Jordanian in Jordan?]  But - the guy w/ whom she went to J is/isn't the kids' father?  

She is not living w/ you?  Lives in same town, or close enough that you are in touch w/ her household?  [If she is living w/ you, and IF you get the Woolis book (see below) and use it, you have some leverage and a limited ability to set some limits.  Getting her into other housing ASAP would be highly desirable tho....esp if there is any danger issue...]

How to help her and yourself.  Get in touch w/ the nearest NAMI affiliate.  www.nami.org  Attend meetings if possible.  Get someone in NAMI who will mentor you for awhile, take your phone calls, etc.  [Monthy meetings won't be enough here.]  If none local, get some advice from the state office.

You may also need legal advice re committal, your state's laws on enforced treatment, custody/guardianship of her, of the kids.

You can also perhaps get some info/advice from your community mental health center....  

Here are two books that will help IMMEDIATELY - pls get them ASAP.  The first is by Woolis, called When someone you love has a mental illness.  Very, very practical book about communicating w/ the ill and irrational.  Other book which may help is by Amador, called I am not sick, I don't need help.

Since your daughter 'hates' you, you are not going to be the one who gets her into treatment...and indeed, perhaps no one will until she gets too sick for society to ignore.   So - a grandparent? an old friend?  someone who can be the person who takes your place, not necessarily to persuade [may not be possible] but to oversee - someone for whom her present feelings are either positive or neutral.  They need access to both of the books...and to NAMI.

You have not much of a role to play at present - but USE the Woolis book when you must communicate w/ your daughter, and do not be drawn into, nor be the cause of [hard to do], arguments.  You and she will both benefit with more distance between you.

Here is another distance issue, of a sort, and you may want to consider therapy/counseling about it - pastoral counseling, regular therapist, whomever:  it might be good to have some help separating your daughter and your husband in your mind, and separate the feelings you have about each.  Both have been very negative persons in your life, caused trouble [and worse], and you are very understandably angry w/ both...  You perhaps blame your daughter for causing problems as your husband did.  This is not uncommon, but clarifying it will make it easier to help your daughter. [And will relieve you of a great deal of harmful stress.]

Jumping back to NAMI - if you can take their free 12-week Family to Family class it would free you enormously w/ your feelings and also give you skills to deal w/ this.  Highly recommended.  Until then, tho, talking often w/ others in your situation [local NAMI, I hope] and the Woolis book are your best bets.

If you think the children need rescuing, you could set some social service check-ups in motion, but only if you are sure that your grandchildren won't end up in some sort of foster-care hell.  [But perhaps they are older?  Could each or both go to warm and caring relatives, or to the trustworthy parents of their own friends?  These other parents can't be unaware of problems in the home...  It could be quite an informal arrangement, w/ them still nominally 'at home' - which would leave untouched the explosive issues of custody, parental fitness, etc.  Often, in fact, children w/ strong survival instincts simply make such arrangement themselves.]

Jumping again: mental illnesses are biological illnesses caused by faulty brain chemistry.  They are characterized by disrupted thoughts, feelings, and behavior.  Being 'hated' by someone mentally ill is tough to take - and you can 'know' that the hatred is an illness symptom, but it takes a long time to accept it, and believe it, and not hate back.  Believe me:  none of her behavior is really about you or caused by you - but it's hard to learn and way harder to believe in your heart and in your gut.

My feeling, and this is far from a criticism - I've been there, done that - is that right now the situation is pretty messed up w/ anger and blame.  [Mutual, likely.]  NAMI and the Woolis book helped me to [begin to] love my daughter again, and to put me into a position to help her in a genuine way, motivated by a mother's love.  It's something at which I am still imperfect - very.

Your daughter really would behave differently if she were well.  Her screwed up brain chemistry is behind 100% of this.

But right now she's sick.  Whether she can be gotten into treatment, we don't know.  Right now, someone besides you must be the agent who looks into things and tries to work w/ her.  That someone will need the help of both books and will have to be able to see things, for the present, from her point of view.  It may be an irrational point of view, but it's the only one she has right now.  [My first and only 'law' is: don't waste a minute presenting rational arguments to irrational people.  It antagonizes everyone, makes things worse, and the problem remains unsolved but w/ new barriers added.]***** A 'PS' added as I re-read all this:  don't make 'you're sick; I'm not sick' an issue. It's probably a lose-lose.  What's important is that she be able to attain worthwhile goals - something she perhaps would agree she cannot do now - and meds may help her do it.  She needs to take meds; why she finally agrees to take them is irrelevant.

I would be glad to hear from you again, giving me more information or correcting any misinterpretations I likely have made.  I wish you luck w/ a daunting task, and I pray for your grandchildren's well-being, and for family healing.