Expert: Libby Bonner - 11/9/2007

Question
My husbands ex wife has classic symptoms of bi-polar disorder. In my 10 years of marraige to my husband she cycles through phases of extreme hatred of him to acting like his best friend. When she swings towards hatred I am always at the crux. She makes outrageous untrue accusations about me to anyone who will listen, ranging from general bad mouthing to making claims that I have been institutionalized many times and she has proof, which has never been presented because its just not true. Most recently and out of nowhere after a 2 year friendship period she started making claims to my husband and then to others that I am now and have always been mentally abusing their 12 year old son. beacause when she gets like this he just cuts off communication with her she get out of control calling like 20 times leaving threatening messages, completely unhinged. then all of a suuden she stops. Wellthis last time was very unnerving to me, also humiliating for my stepson who witnessed a week of this and doesnt understand why shes doing this. He and I share a very close relationship which we dont flaunt for fear of settig her off. I have tried to be compassionate and empathetic but honestly I am over it. I have tried kindness, logic, and confrontation with her in the past with no positive outcome. This time we are doing nothing but trying to fade into the backround. This is hard for me because I am so angry I want to have my say as well, but I continue to hold my tongue. I truly believe she wants nothing more than to destroy my marraige (I met him a year after their divorce so I wasnt involved in their demise) My mother thinks shes obssessed with my husband, I just want to know the best way to handle this woman so we can all know peace. We are at our wits end with this..please any advice at all would help...Thank yo uChris

Answer
You need more info on mental illness, and you need to reduce your contacts w/ her.  Fading into the background is a winning idea, truly.

Forget logic:  she can't do it.  Will exhaust everyone.

See nami.org to find a local family support group.  If you can, you and others would benefit enormously from their support, meetings, and free classes Family to Family.

PLEASE BUY TODAY a book by Woolis called When someone you love has a mental illness ----  and read it and use it.  It is the single fastest source for you to start feeling in better control of this AND of having some success in communicating w/ her, perhaps.  See also the part on Setting Limits.

Not sure if she is taking meds, taking the right meds, taking them faithfully.  Anyone who can help her in this way, will be helping you.

Another source:  www.mentalhealth.com

Good luck and thanks for writing.  Get the book!