Expert: Libby Bonner - 11/6/2007

Question
I have just been diagnosed with bipolar about a month ago.After having 2 affairs in 6 months, my husband and I are trying to work through it.He wants answers and I don't want to talk about it.I get very angry when he brings it up.We are going to start marriage counselling but I'm wondering if I should be counselled by the psychotherapist first?He's getting very frustrated and I don't know how to deal with this or which one to deal with first.

Answer
Please start by getting to understand bipolar disorder, you and your husband, and it's symptoms.  Hurtful as the affairs were and continue to be for both of you, they were an illness-warning symptom....  People don't get this upset because one spouse has a high fever and then goes on to develope a serious chronic disorder.

There is no reason to believe that the affairs were other than illness behavior.  They were not choices made by your well self, the one your husband and you both know and trust. In fact, they may have been what sent you to the doctor.

Since you have so recently begun treatment - you have, I hope - it is very very early to know yet which med/s at which dose/s will do the trick, nor how early you will feel like yourself again.  [The sexuality thing probably will not reappear, tho..]  It is going to take time and patience for you to feel better.

These would be my suggestions.  First, it's important that both of you become experts on bipolar disorder.  You can try www.nami.org or www.mentalhealth.com  [Or nimh.gov, not sure.]  Mental illnesses are characterized by disorders of thoughts, moods, and behavior - and they do have spells of remitting some and relapsing some....tho, under a doc's care and your own and your husband's vigilance, it is likely that in the future you will see some wobbliness coming on in time to make some med changes to get things going right again.

If there is a NAMI affiliate near you, they may  have a support group for families, as well as having speakers at meeting.  They also have an excellent free class for family members that is indespensible.  To your husband:  if there is a good support group, it is worth time and travel.

Other suggestions.  No couples counseling now.  Your and your husband's single issue is your illness.  IF your husband cannot find a NAMI support group, he might want to spend a couple visits venting w/ a therapist.  After your illness is more stable, you might find joint therapy helpful just as adjunctive supportive treatment for a couple one of whom has an illness and some lingering symptoms, to smooth our inevitable bumps.

RIGHT now, I hope it can be arranged for him to go w/ you to doc appts.  I am hoping and assuming that since you are just getting onto meds, that you are being seen rather often, yes?  Pls do also consider signing a release of info for him, so that he and the doc can share useful CLINCICAL, not PRIVATE, info.  It is very very hard when families are kept off the treatment team.  ---  At some of these appts, if you and the doc are OK w/ it, s/he may agree to speak alone very briefly w/ your husband; I would myself permit it, maybe when I felt a little better about things.

I understand your wish not to go over and over the past which must be deeply painful and/or puzzling to you....and I do know that your husband is equally pained and puzzled, though less so now that you have written, I hope.

If there is more that I can answer right now, pls write again, and your husband is welcome to as well, any time.