Expert: Libby Bonner - 8/15/2006

Question
My ex husband is bipolar and we have a son. he is a very good father but I´m always afraid that the effects of his untreated disease can be harmfull for our son. I also have problems coping with the effects of his illness, he is violent, not phissically, whenever I don´t agree with him. now he want´s to change our son from school because he had a big argument with the teacher. He doesn´t accept school rules, hes usually late when he takes our son, he has a problem respecting authority. I am always afraid he´ll call any moment with a problem he will see as a huge, terrible problem. I have a problem dealing with these situations. I´ve done therapy, but I cant avoid feeling anxious whenever my ex has a manic or depressed cicle. everything seems to bother him, he becomes obssesed about any little thing. We live in Argentina, and I don´t know where to find specific help. It´s exhausting to live this way since I am always worried. whenever there is a problem and he is not taking meds I feel its useless to speak to him, he feels the only reality in the world is the one he sees and can´t accept the fact that there are different ways of seeing life, problems,situations, and he won´t even bother to listen. i also need to know if I can take legal actions to force him to stay on a treatment, for our sons sake. he is always changing psiquiatrists because he can´t accept the fact that he needs to stay on meds for the rest of his life. Can you please tell me what I can do? Is there an organization here that can offer some sort of contention for people in my situation?

Answer
Of course you feel anxious - what a terrible situation.  And you are quite right that is is useless to speak to him.

I wish I were in a position to advise, but I know nothing of your divorce aggreement, with regard to your son and who will be in charge of him, and even less about the legal and court system in Argentina.

Here in the US, it is even difficult to advise people who live in another state, because state law and not federal law controls so much in the US.

I can only advise that you consult an attorney, a solicitor - I don't even know what they would be called there.   I would think your goals might be to: inquire about a means, if any, of requiring him to have treatment [or, to require him to have treatment if he is to have contact with your son]; to take legal steps, if possible, to affirm that you, and only you, can make decisions about your son [at this time anyway - unless ex remains in successful permanent treatment]; AND to limit the amount of time that ex spends with you.  I imagine, at least, that he is, right now, around you more than is necesarry or comfortable for you.  [But perhaps that is because your son is very young.]

If you succeed with any of this, the issue of dangerousness or of physical violence could arise, and you and any advisors need to think about this and be prepared to resist it.  The husband will react to being limited, and thwarted.

Here is the only thing about which I can advise you with great assurance, as far as violence when you "disagree" with him.  You will, of course, disagree with crazy notions about the care of your son, but if the 'disagreements' occur because of harmless crazy remarks:  remember, you don't have to offer an honest response to craziness, or even any real response.  I am suggesting that you let the harmless talk just go without remark when you can, even if it is completely wrong.  At most, you can just make the smallest murmur to let him know that you have heard him. You have therefor neither agreed nor disagreed with him, nor have invited a longer conversation in any way.

Here are two possible sources of [maybe limited] help.  There is an organization in the US working to get all states to have laws requiring that the mentally ill get treated even without their consent.  www.psychlaws.org

There is another organization, Canadian, with a worldwide presence, that possibly has support groups for families in Argentina.  They also offer excellent free publications.  Despite their name, they deal w/ ALL mental illnesses.  www.world-schizophrenia.org    If there should be a support group near you, many people in it may have already dealt w/ the problems you have described to me, and may have helpful ideas.

I'm sorry I haven't more to offer you.