Expert: Libby Bonner - 12/31/2006

Question
My seventeen year old son has spent most of his teen years getting high, drinking and has done cocaine.  We found out and sent him to rehab. where he was diagnosed ADHD and was put on adderall.  Did great for 2 months after rehab.  Then about 3 weeks ago broke up with year long girlfriend which sent him spiraling out of control.  On Dec 10th he had a dance to go to and after the dance he stayed at his friends house where they were drinking and he decided to take his truck out and drive 95 mph and got caught and the police officer knew my ex husband so he called him instead of arresting him because he was out past curfew and endangering two other people.  He thought it was no big deal and if its their time to go then that's it. Didn't care about what if the crashed at that speed, got hurt or any consequence.  Two day's after that he couldn't sleep he had so much energy he was staying up until 3:30am and getting up at 7 and going all day without any problem.  His behavior and attitude became worse everyday.  I called his psych. and he put him on a depacote. Christmas was a total mess he found out ex is seeing someone else and he couldn't function, he became so depressed he cried all day couldn't be around family and left because he needed to be with a friend he could talk to, I talked to him to make sure he was ok and he said he was feeling better and then he called back and said he got into another car accident making total 3.  I also found out he has been getting high for three weeks now.  The accident wasn't bad but I'm really scared after accident he told me he hates his life again and he should just commit suicide.  I talked to psych. again and he arranged for us to get his blood checked to see what drugs he was doing.  Now he is totally out of control. He was rocking his truck back and forth into my garage door banging it and denting but said he didn't know he was hitting it.  I took him to the hospital to get his blood check and to get him evaluated and he became out of control, screaming and walked out of the hospital and security brought him back and they called the police.  The whole time his was there he screamed, throw things, threatened me and used profane language. They don't have a crisis center right there so he was taken there by ambulance and by the time he got there he was calmer and they asked him if he wanted to hurt himself or anyone else he said no and agreed to get help and family counseling to resolve issues about our divorce.  My ex and I told them that if they release him he is just going to walk out of my house and do the same things.  We told them he needs to be admitted so he can get one on one treatment where there is constant care to get his meds. right.  They released him.  I brought him home the whole time he was flipping out on me and he walked into my home and told his stepfather "don't look at me like that" and my husband is totally at the end of his rope so he told me he had to leave. My son found out my husband left and called his cell phone saying " what kind of man are you for leaving your wife" then he wanted my car so he could go find him, we took his truck away, it isn't even at our home.  I gave him his meds. by the way I stopped giving the adderall because with his drinking and getting high the mood stabilizer is working right.  The next day he got up and started fighting with me about his truck and I asked him if he realized what his actions have caused I said my husband left and he said well I tried to get him back last night and he said I also lost my son and walked out.  Called me 5 minutes later and screamed at me because I wouldn't give him his drivers license and I told him I would pick him up and he told me no I'll get a ride and then he said no I'm sleeping out you ----ing b---h. I told him he isn't allowed to come back with that attitude and disrespect.  I cannot cope anymore he is mean, violent and I have a 6 year old son to worry about.  My husband came back tonight because he doesn't want to leave us alone and he really has been wonderful and has always supported my two sons from my ex. What do I do, he says he knows he needs help but won't give up social drinking and mari. I honstly don't know what to do.  He manipulated the system to get released, he will not go anywhere voluntary, won't listen to anyone and really things he hasn't done anything bad.  Need help.  

Answer
You are in luck.  Your son is 17, hence a minor, and so his custodial parent/s can make decisions for him...and are free to have dialogue w/ doctors about him.  THIS WILL ALL CHANGE as soon as he is 18 [or 21 if he is at school] and, possibly til 21 if you are his sole support...not sure about the sole support part.

The doc put him on Depakote w/o seeing him?  Does son have appt soon w/ doc?  Dose maybe needs adjusting.  IN THE MEANTIME, forget the substance abuse. Talk to the doc about what needs to happen to get him hospitalized, in the nearest good psych unit.  You don't need to be suicidal to get hospitalized, just a "danger to yourself or others," which he clearly is.  

DO NOT ASK HIM WHAT HE WANTS.  DO WHAT NEEDS DOING.

You may/will have to have him committed.  In this regard, and to see other possible options in your state, see www.psychlaws.org

Also, run and buy the book by Amador, I am not sick; I don't need help, which will improve your communications w/ him and also covers committment and other options.

You have taken away his truck and driver's license.  Now, today, you need to call your atty to see what protections you have for your assets if gets in another accident...he will find a way to drive, incl stealing a car.  Prepare the atty for that problem as well, and ask for his thoughts on committment.

IF/WHEN you can get him in a hospital and/or when his mood has improved, try everything to get him to sign a release of information so that you and a doc can continue to talk to one another, beyond his 18th birthday.

Other thought: changing the locks is an option but only if you have law enforcement informed and ready to pick him up and take him to a hospital when he finds out...assuming he will still be on you property when that happens.

Do NOT argue w/ him until he is under better control.  Just say "Mmmm" if a comment is absolutely called for and if silence would enrage him.

You also don't need to stay on the phone for abusive contacts.  Keep your cool; say you are sorry he is angry and that you need to go....that you both can talk "another time."

The kid is very very sick.  "Disrespect" applies to those not mentally ill, who can control their thoughts, moods, behavior, and decisions.  This kid has NO control, and is sick.

[Doc needs to know you stopped the adderall.]

Anyone interested in more info on bipolar could check www.nami.org or www.aacap.org  I would also advise that you try to get w/ a NAMI group locally, or nearby, if possible.  A good support for you and an invaluable source of practical, and local, info.

If the older son continues to be in and out of your house, and out of control, you need to protect your younger son's feelings.  IF he could live elsewhere til things calm down, that would be ideal.  Be sure he knows that his brother is really sick, and be sure to stay in close touch w/ the 6 yr old if/while he is out of your house.

Just re-read your message.  Your atty might want to let the emergency room that released him know what has happened since then....might lead to a greater willingness to actually admit him to the hospital next time he passes through their ER.

The state NAMI office [www.nami.org] might know what hospitals near you have psychiatric facilites...of the nearest local group would know, and would have opinions and advice on best hosp, best ways to get admitted, etc.

Your actual biggest problem right now is that your son could run afoul of law enforcement, even possibly committing a felony.  It is greatly in his and your best interests to prevent that however you can.

I wish you good luck.  These situations are absolutely awful for everyone.  Last advice:  tell the people who imply that he is bad or that you have done a bad job, to butt out.  Tell them one time that he is sick and that you are busy dealing w/ it and Good-bye and Happy NY...and then forget about them for the time being.  You only need to be talking to people who see your situation as you do - that you  have a sick son in great need of treatment.