Expert: Libby Bonner - 11/7/2007

Question
I have been married to my husband for six years now. We have had a great relationship until about 6 months ago when he started having phases of great days, being able to function normally to days of great depression and anger. He has told me that he has dealt with depression all his life. Lately, it has affected our family, personal love and his career (he is now unemployed because of the number of days that he has missed throughout the year because of these "episodes").
  He has tried Wellbutrin, and the main concern with this & the other drug that he has taken is the sexual side-effects.
 His last angry breakdown (2 days ago) has left me emotionally scarred. I tried to talk to him about it (yesterday), but he closes down and blames me. Often he states that it is my fault that the situation breaks down.
 I love my husband very much & will not give up easily. I want to see everything get better because from the past I know it can. Of course the situation is more complicated than what I have said here: I could write you a book, but my main questions are:
 1. Is there a drug out there that can help stabilize his moods without having a dramatic sexual side effect?
 2. How can I help him see that it is not all my fault?
 3. What are the steps to getting him better?

Thank you in advance for your reply.  

Answer
Quickest answers to get to you right now.

He is possibly bipolar, and that diagnosis needs to be explored.  Find a good doc, willing to have you go also to appts.  Will take some time to get right med/s, right doses, perhaps.   

Is he on your insurance, or pays for care how?

He cannot "see" much - too sick.  This is not a marriage issue; this issue entirely concerns illness, symptoms, and treatment [though all greatly impact your relationship now and for some time]; don't try appeals to ration w/ persons who are not rational.  It will exhaust everyone.

www.nami.org  Info, and I hope also a lead to a local support group for YOU. If there is no good one quite near, very very worth time and travel.  They also have classes, excellent classes.

GET THIS BOOK.  Author is Woolis.  Title:  When someone you love has a mental illness.  You will immediately feel less helpless, will improve communication, will re-stabilize somewhat.  Keep it, read it, use it.  Over and over.

Mental illness are chronic illness that relapse and remitt despite treatment, and are characterized by chemical brain disorders causing uncharacteristic thoughts, moods, and behaviors.  NONE of it is about you, but right now it seems very otherwise.

Don't give up on anything:  find a doc.  If you both want to sleep apart, or spend some time apart, for a respite  now and then, and that would be a HELP, consider doing that.  

This is all about treatment, convalescence [long-ish, perhaps], and recovery [not cure.]  The guy you married is still there, in the grip of a powerful illness.    Just do get the book, minimize verbal contact, vent to friends, get info.

Take care of yourself.  Dive into this, tho, and things will get better.  Just picture hime now as though he were a very sick young child, not very responsible for speech and actions right now, not very capable right now....but - he WILL get better.

Also www.mentalhealth.com