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Bipolar Disorder/Bipolar angry aggressive husband

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Sheila C wrote at 2006-12-06 06:11:56
I would also like to advise the book "Loving someone with Bipolar Disorder".  It is my "Bible". My husband has mixed episodes which are mostly Hypomania.  Your story sounds like mine...I also gave up my home, business, high school aged daughter to move to where he lives.  He did not tell me he was bipolar. I had to find out the hard way. It has been 3 years of living hell and I am not sure it will ever get better. He takes Lithium, Depakote and Seroquel, which has helped but he is still cruel and abusive regularly. At least the suicide attempts have ceased. I love my husband but am weighing my options, as I too am physically sick from dealing with his abuse. Good luck to you.


ann wrote at 2008-06-12 05:03:22
You need help with your own issue of low self esteem, and trying to rescue someone like that. You need a healthy relationship, not continuing to tell him that you do. Leave. You trying to be the one to save or fix him is evidence you need serious counseling, too.

Save yourself, then you can save someone else.


Robert wrote at 2008-07-07 12:51:21
Brenda,

This sounds very similar to my situation. I am Bipolar II and I have symptoms of rage and anger. I know myself that you take out all of your frustrations on loved ones, not the ones you have slighted. He still cares about his ex and his old buddy. The fear of abandonment keeps him from attacking them directly. Unfortunately you take the brunt of it. Meds are the key, he needs to take his lithium and get to a psych and get more possibly. I was told by my psych that the average number of meds that a bipolar is on is four. So that being said I think he may need more juice to help him keep his rage in check. After then you can work on the behaviors that cause problems. If he wont take the meds you need to get out of there. Talk to his psych go to the NAMI meetings as suggested and educate yourself on the mental illness. Best of luck! I really hope it helps.



Robert


Blaheen wrote at 2009-07-15 23:46:00
Your husband is "an abuser" it seems to me he is using his "illness" to cause you mental harm and if he can get away with it he will get worse. Get him sectioned for thorough examination and you can do this on the grounds that "you are in fear of your and your children's own safety" I am the victim of an abuser and Im 48 and I cant forget it. Now I have been diagnosed with Bipolar, know what I say "thanks a f-----g bunch, I may as well pitch a tent and charge admission. My life's f----d!! Get rid, or you will pay, probably with your life!! Listen to me girl.!!


angela wrote at 2009-12-08 02:34:13
Brenda,

you are desribing my father, he is 70 now my mother is still with him, never could understand her why she doesn't want to leave him and puts up with this I realize he is sick but nobody deserves to be treated that way because life is just too short.


tonya wrote at 2010-04-02 05:36:57
He will keep doing it as long as he can get away with it. He knew to win you he could not act this way. You must set boundaries with him when he is in his 5% good time.  You need the support of God, family and friends even though his problems drive people off. You must not be co-dependent.

Tonya


Jess wrote at 2010-04-13 17:18:56
I really think that you should leave. He sounds terribly abusive and your life with him sounds very unhappy. If you don't love him anymore then there is no point in living a miserable existence with him. There is only so long that you can use his bipolar as an excuse for his abusive behaviour. Also, this is clearly an abusive environment for your child to grow up in. My partners dad was bipolar and abusive to his mother and him at times. You would not believe the amount of psychological problems he suffers as a result. It IS time to make your child's welfare and emotional stability your number one priority and leave this guy. When you leave, please counseling for your son and for yourself. Good luck and I really hope that you will leave, life is short and by staying in an abusive environment you are shaping your son into a man with serious problems in his future.  


missy wrote at 2010-04-14 20:54:38
Hi.

Oh, do i feel for you. I too am in the same situation. except that i am not married to him. it is difficult to accept the advice of someone when their only advice is to leave because you know you love your husband very much.

it is as though everything i say ignites a spark in them and they go wild and crazy and it could be as small as unbuckling my safety belt before he has put the vehicle in park. its scarey living in this kind of fear and yes, i do believe that it is somewhat intentional or why else would they be able to keep their cool in front of certain people?

i will be praying for you. please if you need to talk call me 410 440 5184  missy i feel your pain.


KL wrote at 2010-05-22 22:46:28
Bipolars have to help themselves.  I have lived with one for several years and at this point it's the same concept to me as drug addiction.  Only person who can save an addict is themselves so on that thought:  Save yourself.  Your health will eventually suffer.  And you and your son should just walk.


BJM wrote at 2010-05-26 18:07:12
I too live with a mentally ill spouse (MDD - treatment resistant diagnosed 1989) He is on 4 psychotropic medications - Abilify, Cymbalta, Wellbutrin XL and Seroquel and has been seeing a psych weekly for many years. He's tried ECT, Dialectic Behavior Therapy, nothing works to dispel the anger. His biggest trigger is jealousy. He dislikes anyone who is happier, richer, more secure, more healthy than he is. We have 1 adult daughter (no other kids) and 2 grandchildren. He adores the grandkids and acts hateful towards our daughter and son-in-law - constantly critizes the way they live, raise their kids - everything. I'm so worn out from playing referee - trying to balance things so I can see my daughter, sister, gkids and be with him - peacefully. He hates it when I want to spend time with anyone but him. My daughter is fed-up with his cold silences and disapproval. She doesn't feel welcome in our home and doesn't feel he loves her at all. She cries when he treats her this way - when she was a child they were SO close. I try to reason with him but you're all correct - you can't reason with this type of Mentally ill person. I'm ready to throw in the towel - I love him, and don't wish to spend my "old-age" (he's 62 I'm 57) alone but Lord - how much more can I take? What to do? He's fine with me most of the time, until I do something he disapproves of - then he becomes cold & critical. I'm afraid to leave b/c he's sucidial and b/c I love him. My daughter and family say I shouldn't stay if I'm unhappy but no one really understands that 30+ yrs of marriage are hard to forget - when we're alone, he's a different person.


Rhiza wrote at 2010-07-04 14:37:54
There is no way to prove whether he's doing this deliberately. He seems to be super manipulative in his behavior and I bet would be playing the counselor on his little finger by now. Feeing abandoned is just an excuse. This may be very hard to swallow but fact is, it's not your (or anyone's) cup of tea to fix this person. He knows exactly what he's doing and is completely responsible for his actions. The sickness is that he's not sensitive or empathetic like normal people to ever realise the extent of the damage he's causing people around him including his own child. He'll keep using you and even his child as long as you stay with him. The only way he can change is if by some miracle he wants to change himself. The higher chances are of this never happening.



I know because my ex was exactly the same - he would be constantly critical, ballistic for small things, never say a word against anyone else, was super sweet to other people, beat me, abused me and said exactly the same things to our counselor that your ex claimed, that he felt abandoned and I criticised and never appreciated him.


Sheri wrote at 2010-08-27 17:03:21
Brenda - I know exactly how you feel.  I have been married to my husband for 10 years. His behaviour sarted to change about 6 months before the wedding. He got angry with ne for wanting to abstain before the wedding. He still throws that up to me. The world could come to an end and he would be fine, but let there be a piece of paper on the floor and he comes unglued. He is verbally,mentally, & physically abusive. I have 2 children still at home but I am the object of his rage 95% of the time, but sometimes they will be. I have stepped in on many occatoins, which makes it worse for me but that is ok. Having small children makes this hard because he has threatened repeatedly to take my son & disappear and he would.  I could not bear that. He knows law enforcement in several different positions [1 being FBI] & states. I do believe that it is a condition, but he too can control it depending on who he is around. If it is a true uncontrolable illness, how is that possible?? He has tried meds twice for anxiety only, but stopped after a week or so, because they made him sick. He would not go back to the Dr. either time. He to does not believe that phsyc. can help him because they don't know his situation and it is all a racket to get your money. So, I have twleve years until my son turns 18, or until he or I die. Please tell me how short life is, I live it everyday.


AJ wrote at 2010-09-23 10:06:37
After reading this I had chills run down my spine.  My husband and I are both in the military and he has exhibited all of these traits.  When I met him we were both going through divorces; him of his wife of 11 years and mine of 5 years.  He was like a dream come tue; all the things that lacked in my previous marriage.  It was just small things at first; him being angry over a guy I was with prior to him (I just thought he was really over protective) and the fact he hated when I had any communication with my ex even though we have a child together.  We deployed together and it went down hill from there.  He began treating me horribly; blaming me for all the fights he started, screaming at me, being verablly abusive.  Then all of a sudden he would come back like nothing happened and expected me to act the same.  I blamed myself in the beginning for the arguments and things; so when he asked me to marry him I did...Things did not get better and I finally realized I was not causing this outburts nor did they have anything to do with me.  I forced him to see a counselor and they put him on some medication that seemed to help.  Things improved finally.  When we returned from deployment our relationship spiraled violently.  He became dependent on alcohol and was extremly verbally abusive which eventually went to physical abuse (when he was completly sober)I had him arrested and thought things would be over.  He apologized profusly, went to mental health and got more medication and began seeing a cousselor regulary.  I decided to stick with it for a while because if this was a sickness I didnt want to blame him.  The meds made him a vegetable and our relationship got even worse.  He stopped caring about everything having to do with me.  We barely talked and he spent all of our money and began to seek out women on dating sites to hook up with and lied to me about all of it.  I finally confronted him about it and he denied it but then turned everythign around on me and said it was my fault for not loving him enough and not paying enough attention to him.  We went to counseling together which was a mistake as he twisted everything in his favor and I left feeling like everyone was against me.  He continued treating me lower than scum unil I felt so badly about myself when a guy in my class started showing interest in me I unfortunaly welcomed the advance and cheated on him.  I told him and he went into a rage (which was expected, sick or not) and then out of no where did a complete 180.  He started losing weight, stopped taking meds, started treating me like a queen.  By this point none of this ment anything.  I ignored him and he went nuts again; more physical abuse, destroying things in the house and horrible verbal abuse.  I always wondered in the wake of everything why he took all of his anger out on the one person he said he loved so much.  A few days later he was back to normal and expected everything was fine.  Yet again we are deployed and things were fine until he flew in a rage about literally nothing; it was 0-1,000 in a split second, ending in he wanted to leave me.  We went on leave and were on vacation and having a wonderful time and then he makes us this dilusional story about a woman who approached him at the pool and offered HIM 500.00 to sleep with him..Now I fell in love with my husabnd's humor, not his looks so I in no way, shape or form belive this.  I kind of laughed this off as he ALWAYS is telling me I better watch out because someone is going to scoop him up when I am not around.  So long story short this escalates becasue he now has it in his mind that I view him as never having the ability to attract anyone and ends with him shattering a glass shower door and throwing a lit cig at me and spitting in my face as well as holding me down and shaking me.  Then he blames me for the entire thing and a day later wants everything to be fine.  I have noticed his episodes are getting further apart then when I first met him but he is still a ticking time bomb that I tip toe around.  His brother who overdosed a few years back was diagnosed with Bipolar so I have often wondered if he has this as well.  I know he was on Seriquil when he was medicated and I know they often perscribe that for Bipolar.  I never knew about the increased sex drive but boy does that fit the bill; I used to love it as my ex didnt have one at.  As all of these things occurred though I am repulsed most of the time with sex and barley engage in it anymore which really upsets him.  It is just sad and upon our return to the states I am divorcing him because I cannot have my 6 year old child be witness to this behavior.  Funny thing of it all though he believes nothing is wrong with him except he gets a little to angry sometimes...I feel like I am the crazy one most of the time now and depression has taken hold of me and I fear I may not be able to shake it much longer which is another reason for the divorce.  


ANNOYED wrote at 2013-07-10 03:16:23
WHO EVER PUT MY NUMBER ON HERE BETTER REMOVE THIS.. MISSY


Bipolar Disorder

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Libby Bonner

Expertise

I can answers questions from family members of adult patients with serious mental illnesses. I am most familiar with bipolar disorder [manic-depression] and schizophrenia. I use principles of the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill to provide clinical info, emotional support, and practical suggestions, including finances/insurance. Emphasis is on family health; family preservation and functioning; coping skills; and effective communications with patients [consumers] and with providers of services. I am not qualified to help families with patients under 18 I cannot answer questions about herbal remedies.

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I have a daughter w/ bipolar illness. Have experience with clinical medicine/psychiatry through my work in a hospital library. I have taken and now monitor the NAMI Family to Family educational program and I facilitate NAMI family caring and sharing evenings.

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