Expert: Jurriaan Plesman, Nutritional Psychotherapist - 8/16/2004

Question
I was wondering if you could help me. My ex is never consistent and still 6 months later after using me,says he loves me, but then ignores me and blows me off. He is a hopeless romantic, but then again turns around and sleeps around, or so I've suspected. He says he loves me, then turns around and lashes at me saying every hurtful thing, calling me every name in the book, and saying he never loved me, that he hates me. Then turns around later, and says he loves me again. This is a repeated cycle. Here is the story concerning the relationship to give you an idea. Doyou think he has some kind of mental disorder, along with his lies? here is what happened:

My ex and I broke up 6 months ago, but we never lost touch. He was very abusive verbally and emotionally, a liar, manipulative, and I always suspected he was a cheater. Anyway, He always said he loved me, and said he couldnt be with me because of "stress" and how he couldnt handle being in a relationship, although we were inseperable and so close for almost a year. He called me his soulmate, wife, best friend...all of that. He is the romantic type. A hopeless romantic, his life consists of living on the internet (he meets g irls from the i net) and poetry...and writing. He wrote a romance novel, and loves everything romance. Romance movies, watching the sunset, soulmates, growing old with the one you love, the rain, just everything. He is 20 years old and his room is filled with stuffed animals, romance books, a pretty girly personality. Well, in the past he used to sleep arpund a lot, and for 5 months he would come around and sneak to see me (because his family was ashamed of me because he lied about me saying I was stalking himwhen he snuck over to see me) and he would sleep with me for 5 months, saying he loved me, he missed me, he wants to be with me.....one day. He said he wasnt out for sex...he wanted love. I gave him MORE than love. I treated him good, gave him my heart and my soul. He said he wanted love..well I gave that to him, and i wanted us to be together and he said he wasnt ready. I asked him why he slept with me then and he said because he loved me. Then why couldn't he of been with me. There was another girl but I dont know what happened between them. I felt used. I eventually tried to move on and recently he said he missed me again and wanted me....that he is ready. But he seems indifferent when we talk about it, like he doesnt care if I stay or go. He is always inconsistent about his feelings, he would say he loved me (and that he wanted to prove it to me, and that when we slept together, it just "happened" ). Well he says he loves me but treats me like shit, or one day he will want me, then blow me off and not talk to me. My question is, though, how could a guy seem so sensitive, be a hopeless romantic, one of the best writers, a passion for poetry (almost 2000 poems hes written) and want and crave love (even though I gave it to him) only to sleep around with girls and seem to be a slut. I know his password to one of his websites that he belongs to and he wrote to a guy in email, this:"7/16 he says: Hahaha everyone probably, because it's a very sexually closed off society... but I know what you mean... I went to VA and met a girl this morning... good virgin sex hahaha then finished it later that morning in upper MD with another girl. I may be a little bit of a whore, admitedly, but that's because I haven't found love."
I don't know if he was trying to show off to the guy, or if he really did do this. He says his car is in bad shape, but he can drive to VA, rather than drive 20 min to see me? I was faithful to him, and I always suspected he was "whorish". But he seemed SO devoted to me, and we were almost engaged....one of those undescribable loves. How can a soft hearted, sensitive, hopeless romantic turn around and be a slut? Please please help me! Thank you so very much. I honestly don't know what to do.";  

Answer
I have read your long post about the going-ons with your boyfriend, who could be described as rather immature person.

The question that I would like to raise is: "how come that YOU are emotionally involved with such a person?"

The answer that comes up in my mind is that you suffer from a low self-esteem and a sense of worthlessness. You cannot blame that on your boyfriend, but it may have something to do with how you feel about yourself. A self-respecting woman would be expected to place certain limits and boundaries on her lover's behaviour in return for her unconditional love.

When you have a negative self-image you are most likely to find yourself in a situation you are describing, where another person - with an equally low self-esteem - can manipulate you to satisfy his personal needs.

It seems to me that the only way out for you is to do a course in counselling, that aims to strengthen your self-respect and self-worth.

A person who has self-regard would probably not tolerate the 'on and off' behaviour of a an emotionally immature lover, no matter how sensitive and charming he might appear.

I suggest that you study our self-help psychotherapy course at our web site - free of charge - that deals exactly with the kind of problems you are mentioning. Study this course at the rate of one chapter a week, and in about eight weeks you should have a different outlook on life more to the benefit of yourself. The course aims at changing a person's self-image and teaches skills such as assertiveness training, and values clarification.

Alternatively I suggest that you seek some counselling with a view to gain more confidence in yourself so you won't fall prey to other people's manipulations.

I hope I have been helpful.

Jurriaan Plesman
Free web site
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au